Wednesday, September 12, 2012

a new way of being

about 3 weeks ago i threw in the towel.
i gave up the fight between my happiness and my pride.
i let happiness win.
and i started taking an anti-depressant.

i really wanted to beat this myself without relying on a medication.
i wanted to will it away, work it away, shop it away, ignore it away.
i was being stubborn and i was losing precious moments with my family.
so the day came when i finally swallowed my ridiculous pride and told jank it was time.
he was so relieved i had finally reached a place where i would accept help.

and our life hasn't been the same since.

i'm not saying that the pill i'm taking is a miracle drug.
i truly think a part of my feeling better is attributed to some placebo effect.
but i also can't deny the peace i feel in my soul.
i haven't felt like this in so very long.
it's like coming home after being away for a long time.

i feel like me again.
and it feels good.

i don't cry when a patient yells at me because the wait time was too long.
i smile more and my laughs aren't forced.
i fall asleep excited to wake up in the morning and spend time with my girls.
i can't get enough of my husband.

i still have ups and downs like everyone else.
some days are great [i finally finished decorating evie's room]
while others are rotten [evie and i had the flu for a few days, and oh boy was it bad!]
but underneath everything there is a permeating positivity that i've lacked.

hi. my name's kayla and i'm medicated.
it's nice to meet you.


Anonymous said...

You are so brave. Don't ever let being medicated make you feel bad. You are a wonderful person.

Anonymous said...

Kayla, words can not express how brave and strong of a person you are for sharing your closest and most personal feelings. I have been on blog overdose reading everything and you seem to amaze me more and more with every post! You have a true gift of writing and would buy any and every book you write!! Kate and Evie are truly lucky to have such a wonderful woman to look up to! It must run in the family! Much love to you, Melissa Kuyper (Jungers)