a lack of a quality camera has left me bumming. i hate posting without a picture so i generally don't. there have been few quality pictures taken lately hence my overall disinterest in blogging. sad, i know. there are still so many stories to tell. stories that i will forget and wish i had written. curse my bad memory.
this morning, after miss kate had grabbed every elmo dvd case we own and hauled them into her crib so she could nap with "mo", i sat down at the computer and scrolled through old photos. i found myself looking at pics of my pregnancy days and i came across photos documenting my pregnancy rash. ugh, the horror. horror i will spare all of you because no one really wants to see my swollen belly covered in an unsightly rash. that cursed rash caused me to itch like a dog with fleas. jank used to laugh every night because i shook the bed with my itching. thank goodness for ASB who prescribed a steroid cream and ambien. (i think every pregnant person should have ambien on hand).
people say you will forget the woes of pregnancy and labor once the baby is born. and you do... at least some of it. but then you see a picture of your pregnant self and it all comes rushing back:
liz telling katers she is lonely in the big, cold world and needs her cousin
you remember how your baby didn't ever really move except an occasional hiccup and how you used to constantly ultrasound yourself at work just to calm the anxiety. you remember how random people would come up and rub your belly and you always wanted to punch them in the nose. you remember what it felt like to have a baby lodged under your ribs and how you had to constantly apply downward pressure to be able to breathe.
but then you remember how it felt to be growing a life inside of you. you remember how some days you felt like the most important person in the world. you remember how you were given the green light to eat gallons of coldstone (yellow cake mix ice cream with brownies and cookie dough= heavenly!) you remember feeling magical. and you remember what it was like to have big boobs.
this post is by no means a hint that i am pregnant. i can hear both grandmas sigh in disappointment. sorry ladies! i am going to leave the baby-growing in bb's capable hands right now (hi little niece/nephew! see you in march!) i am too busy applying for government assistance, searching for a cheaper apartment, enjoying kate's growing vocabulary and most importantly, i am still healing emotionally from the hormonal tailspin that becoming a mommie brought.
i am healing though and that's the important part. i have learned that this tailspin is no one's fault: not mine, not katers' and not jank's. it was a combination of predisposition to emotional instability (flashback to freshman year- augh), moving 2 days after kate was born to a whole new city where i only knew one person, having jank start the PA program 1 week after kate's birth, and my unreal expectations of what motherhood would be. geez, even typing that sentence makes me emotional.
i don't have much more to say today but i'm hesitating to push the 'publish' button. i have a nagging sense i'm not done yet.... maybe it's because i owe a big thank you to all my family and friends and coworkers who have been there for me (even when no one knew how much i was struggling because i was too proud to admit it) i am truly blessed to have people who care about me and are willing to listen to me blah, blah, blah.
it feels finished now.