Tuesday, June 4, 2013

always changing, always growing.

i love drives in the car.
[usually] it's peaceful.
kate and evie are happy to stare out the windows or the sunroof and watch the world go by.
kate always says 'i like to watch the cars go by'.
in those quiet moments i get time to reevaluate myself and the thing that matters most to me right now, which is motherhood.

my husband, myself, my job.... they all matter but mothering is the umbrella that everything else falls under.
my life will forever be changing, my focus constantly shifting but this season is one for being a mom and all the work, joy, sacrifice, fun and craziness that goes into that job.

i want so very desperately to do a good job.
i want my kids to laugh, learn and be happy; be exposed to life, enjoy the sunshine and the rain, to be kind and loving. 
i want so much for them. 
pretty much what every mom wants for their kids, i suppose.

but i've realized that loving my kids isn't enough.
my love needs to become an action, not just a verbal expression.

i have to love them enough to put down my phone and be present-
i have a bad habit of editing pictures on my phone instead of fully focusing on my girls. 

i have to love them enough to get in the pool for what seems like the thousandth time,
even though the thought of washing swimsuits and towels again dang near kills me. 

this doesn't mean i'm never going to nap, or work on my phone, or put a movie on for the kids so i can have some quiet time.
i'm not that amazingly selfless.
nor do i think i should have to be.
i think my kids should be able to entertain themselves so i can get things done.
i think my kids should understand that i need some alone time.

what it means is that i'm trying to be more deliberate with my mothering.
more deliberate with my time.
more focused on this gigantic task at hand.
more patient and kind and understanding of their short legs and busy hands.

it's such a big job:
the non-stop worry, planning and tasks.
the monotony.
the horrible hours of 3-5 pm where i am longing for a nap and my kids are go-go-go.
the never-ending laundry.
the awful sleep deprivation... 
the cons are plentiful, that's a certainty.

but the pros always tip the scale-
the little hugs and open-mouth kisses.
seeing life through my girls' eyes and appreciating the wonder in the world. 
jumping in the ocean waves while holding kate's hand.
having a purpose; someone to love and care for and being needed and loved in return.
the sense of accomplishment that comes after teaching evie where her belly button is.
sitting in the pew at church, holding my loved ones close and singing a song of worship.
the giggles that 'this little piggy' elicits every. single. time.

it all sounds so silly and unimportant when it's written down doesn't it?

i think that's because love and relationships and the human experience are so hard to logically explain.
i think it's meant to be that way though.
it opens us up for growth and challenges us in so many different ways.
love wasn't meant to always be easy.
we wouldn't grow very much if that was the case.

somedays my love for my girls flows out of me without effort.
other days it's a struggle to smile at the books and toys strewn about the floor.
and it's always near impossible to love my toddler when she's throwing herself on the floor and covering her eyes and wailing because i wouldn't let her have a drink of my soda.

but learning to love in the hard moments makes me a better mom and most definitely a better person.
my patience has grown exponentially since having miss kate.
empathy and kindness have become my personal goals [although i routinely and regularly fall short].
i am so thankful for the rotten moments as well as the wonderful ones.
motherhood has been good to me.

who ever thought that cutting up fruit and making mac and cheese could be so life-changing??


Kate said...

After reading this I promptly got up and snuggled Ty while watching little Einsteins...thanks for yet again inspiring me to be better! love ya and miss ya, and one day we will actually talk on the phone instead of reeling info over VM! love ya!

Sarah Jane said...

WOW! You sure do know how to make me want to be a better Mom and a better person all around. I LOVE all the pics of your adorable girls in this post! Great photog work!