Friday, April 27, 2012

the day after

to bare my soul for the whole world wide web is a frightening thing.
yesterday, i hesitated before pushing 'publish'.
i reread every word multiple times.
what would people say? think? do?
they'll all look at me differently now... do i want that?
a resounding no is the answer to that question.

but, like i said yesterday, there is healing in typing for me.
i've been in this all too familiar dark place before.
it happened after kate was born.
and i told no one.
not even my husband.

i struggled silently for months, ashamed of my emotions and my inability to control them.
i battled the depression until one day a singular suicidal thought flitted through my consciousness.
i guess it had been there for awhile, but i never really acknowledged it.
and when i finally gave in and let myself embrace it,
it was the crack in the dam that i needed.

that single thought shook me to my core.
i knew no amount of pride or shame was worth suffering alone.
so i confessed my thoughts, fears, worries and doubts to my husband.
and that's when i started to heal.

it took what seemed like forever to find peace again.
but through time and sleep and lots of talking, i found it.
and i promised myself and my loved ones i would never suffer silently again.

so now i reach out when i'm down.
as embarrassing as it is to ask for help, i do it.
i also have a check list i run through when i feel myself slipping down that dark hole:

1. have i slept? [always the biggest trigger for me]
2. have i ate and drank enough to sustain me?
3. have i fed my soul with good music or the good word?
4. have i felt the sun on my face?
5. have i released the pain? aka have i had a good old fashioned cry about it?

being aware of my triggers is a blessing.
it gives me control in an seemingly out-of-control situation.
it also allows brandon to help me when i can't help myself.
this situation is almost as hard for him as it is for me,
and the checklist gives him something concrete to hang on to.

my postpartum depression after kate was so different from what i'm experiencing right now.
3 years ago every day was horrible.
there was no ebb and flow to the dark thoughts-
they were constantly there, ruining every minute of my life.
i'm grateful it's different this time.
i have good days and bad days.
sometimes the bad moments are days or weeks apart.
and it seems that when the darkness inevitably descends on my heart, i'm quick to recognize it and push it out.

i still falter [and probably will for many months to come]
but i'm fighting this time instead of letting it take over my life.
i know i'm worth the fight and more importantly,
my family is worth the fight.
they deserve the best version of me and i'll do whatever it takes to give them that.

so thank you to everyone who reads this and doesn't judge me.
thank you for your kind words, texts and phone calls.
thanks for the quiet support and positive thoughts.

i promise a more light-hearted post next time.
i could use some light-heartedness couldn't you?



Sarah said...

Hey girl, I'm sorry to hear that you are so sad. I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. All I know is that you are a wonderful and a amazing human being! You have a beautiful family and you dress way way better than I do. Even Kate does! You will pull through this and it will make you stronger!

Hugs, kisses and prayers coming from the other side of the continent to you!


tiff snedaker said...

Just keeping it real, right? It takes a lot to acknowledge how you are feeling, but it's good that you've figured out some of the triggers. No judging, just admire you for your complete honesty. Adorable picture at the top. (Where did you get your shirt? Cause I want it.) :)

Sarah Jane said...

Kayla, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, and I agree with Tiff that it is good you can recognize it and that you have communicated with Brandon too. Hang in there and know that I love ya and don't judge you but am proud of you for admitting something like that so publicly. Love ya!