Thursday, April 26, 2012

thoughts

this blog is my journal.
that said, i often edit out the bad moments because who wants to read/remember those??
but there is so much that could be lost by blogging that way.


this post today was gut-wrenching to write.
i feel exposed and vulnerable and incredibly embarrassed.
but there is healing in typing for me.
it helps me to refocus and gain a different perspective.

i'm writing this not for pity, but because it's my life right now.
and someday when my children read this journal,
i hope they gain a better understanding of who i am/was.
and how very much i love them.




last night i wept silently while reading kate her bedtime stories.
kate sat sandwiched between jank and i, oblivious to the tears streaming down my face.
every so often jank would reach over and wipe my tears.
i could barely breath.
my emotions tumbled about and crashed in my head and choked the air from my lungs.

all i could hear were voices yelling at me,
'you're an awful mother'.
'you are worthless'.
'your kids are better off without you'.
'it would be better for everyone if you just left and didn't come back'.

and i believed every single word those voices screamed at me.
i believed it so much that i almost started to pack my bags.
i envisioned myself getting into my car and driving away from my family.

but instead i crawled into my bed and pulled the covers over my head.
and that might have been the bravest thing i've ever done.

it would've been so much easier to run away...
but i chose to stay and fight.

i will fight for my girls.
i will fight for my husband.
i will fight for my happiness.
but, oh how that fight feels like an impossible one some days.
and most days i don't even know where to begin.


i don't know why post-partum has to be so awful for me.
my emotions and hormones run out of control most days.
and lack of sleep has always been especially hard on me.
so working a night shift and then caring for an infant just about kills me.
i lose all sense of balance when my body doesn't get the proper rest.
and kate and i have been sick for the last week or so.
basically it all adds up to chaos.
absolute chaos.

in my dark moments when my thoughts threaten to bury me alive,
i don't know how to ask for help.
it seems impossible that i'm worth anything to anyone.

but then i remember who i am.
and the knowledge that i am loved by my Heavenly Father quiets those negative thoughts.
i know that these struggles are temporary.
i know that one day i will be whole again.
whether it's in a month when the illnesses have finally left our home,
or in a year when my hormones stabilize,
or maybe this will be my everyday battle while in this earthly body.

regardless of the timeline,
i will fight.



*******

i am so indebted to my family and friends for the support they give me [knowingly and unknowingly]

to katie for taking kate today so i could rest my sick, exhausted body.
to tyrel who is now going to watch evelyn after my night shift so i can sleep and not be a monster.
to my parents who's love i feel buoying me up each and every day.
to my amazing sister who's my lifeline.

and to my husband. i am so grateful for your enduring love and unending patience. i know it would be so much easier to throw your hands in the air and walk away from me and my struggles. thank you for sticking by my side and for keeping me afloat. you're my everything.


.

5 comments:

The Leeflangs said...

You are so brave!!! My sister had awful post pardum and found a supplement called zen. She said it saved her life! She got it with all 4 of her kids and took zen with her last two. She said it made life bareable. It might be worth a shot ... hang in there!!!

tiff snedaker said...

Sometimes our biggest accomplishments are doing just what you did that night, pulling the covers over your head and hoping for another day. I watched my sister be hospitalized for days after her second child due to post partum depression. It was incredibly difficult for her but was in her best interest. To this day she suffers from depression but it is well managed. I've had my days, but will never completely grasp what you are going through. Kudos for you for being a mom and being there for your kids. I sometimes feel like a terrible mom (especially when my kids watched power rangers for 4 hours today...mom of the year award. ;) ) but I know there's always tomorrow. Keep your chin up and keep relying heavily on those who hold you dear. I'll keep you in my prayers and will say a special one for you tonight. ((HUGS)) and positive thoughts.

Kelli said...

Sweet Kayla...how I miss you. I can hardly wait to have a Triple K date again someday soon!

Diane said...

My sweet Kayla,
I had horrible post-pardum with my first 3 kids. I remember feeling similar and crying a lot as well. It's a horrible feeling. My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are an awesome mother. I love having you for a daughter in law. You have such a beautiful family. We all love you so much!!! Keep your chin up.
Much love, Diane

Kristin Ann said...

Kayla love,
I only wish you knew how much I think of you and wish you were here. My heart aches for you but also rejoices in your strength. You are such an incredible Mother, wife, nurse, friend and pretty much an inspiration to me in so many ways. I was worried you might be having all of those feelings and I know how frightening they can be. But, you've also been the friend that got me through those feelings and I have no doubt that though it is a daily, sometimes hourly struggle, you'll do it. Cause your a fighter. Scrappy K. I love you so much and miss you like crazy. No shame m'love!