an overdue update

to all:

recently i had a friend ask how i was doing.

and not just a 'how ya doing? yah, that's nice', he really wanted to know how i was doing.

and i thought to myself;

'self, if one friend is curious and cares, then probably there are more people who are curious and care'

so.

let's have an update 

[and i'll just throw in some random pics of the girlies and i at the 'castle park' because a post with just words is pretty boring]

the short and sweet of it is that i'm doing really great.

and if that's all you need to know, then carry on :)

but of course there's always more to it than that so here's the long-winded version:

i am still medicated.

my dosage nor medication hasn't changed.

jank and i have discussed numerous times when the right time is for me to wean off my med.

post-partum depression 'usually' corrects/stabilizes in a year or so.

the clinical recommendation is after a year of taking medication, the patient starts cutting the dose in half and then takes the medication less frequently until they're done with it.

i'm just not ready for that yet. 

i know it sounds dumb, but life is so good right now i don't want to do anything to change how i feel.

even if that means i could be medication-free.

i was so worried when i started taking my med that i would become some altered version of myself.

i worried that the med would make me false-happy and that i wouldn't feel like myself.

well, turns out that was a stupid thing to worry about.

the med just helps my body/brain stabilize, it didn't turn me into a robot.

i still have emotions, good and bad days, moments of joy and moments of frustration;

but under it all, i am able to think clearly and logically.

i no longer feel like my world is ending if evie cries because she's fussy.

i can get frustrated at kate and her silly 3 yr old logic without worrying i'm the worst mom ever and thinking she'd be better off without me. 

and let me just tell you how amazing that is.

hallelujah for modern medication and sympathetic/patient/loving friends and family who've supported me and not judged me. 

i'm no longer curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying because there are too many dirty dishes.

instead i'm on the couch with jank, watching 'new girl' and laughing our butts off. 

work is still hard.

i can't say i love this hospital- it's overcrowded and understaffed.

but i do love nursing and helping people and my coworkers are mostly awesome.

and although this ER has tried to kill me many times, i have learned a ridiculous amount from it. 

i know i'll look back and be thankful for my time here 

[after i've forgotten about all the times i've had an intubated patient, a trauma, and 4 other patients all at the same time]

so that's where i'm at.

life right now is pretty fantastic-

evie finally cut the 3 teeth she's been working on for the last month [augh].

we're headed to san diego tomorrow for a family vacation with my entire family.

it'll be the first time we've all been together in a long time.

so excited to have time off work and be together with everyone!

thanks to all who've stuck it out with me.

really i can't thank you enough.

[pigtails!!]

adventures in parenting

evie rue:

you might look just like your big sister,

but your baby personalities are polar opposites.

i couldn't get kate to smile to save my life,

you hand out gummy grins like they're nothing.

which is good considering how much you spit up on me.

i'll consider your smiles payment for all the extra laundry.

sweet baby girl, i love you.

katers:

when i hear you crying in your bed during the night i assume you've had a bad dream.

so i hurry to your room to chase your troubles away.

last night i couldn't get you to calm down so i scooped you up and held you tight. 

i whispered soothing words into your ear and rocked you back and forth.

and then you peed on me.

next time how about you just say 'mommie i have to pee'.

i think that'll work a little better for the both of us.

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being a mom. hardest and awesomest job ever.

miss kate.

it's been a rough week hasn't it?

sibling jealousy is rearing it's ugly head.

and you've crossed into 3 yr old glory.

which means every conversation is a negotiation 

[one more time...two more minutes...why??... why not???...]

and so it goes.

you're growing up.

eager to explore and climb and do everything yourself.

it seems you don't need me like you used to.

at least not physically.

you brush your own teeth, dress yourself, feed yourself and can run the dvd player better than your nana.

but then weeks like this week happen and i realize how much you still need me [at least emotionally].

you need me to look into your eyes and tell you all that is wonderful about you.

you need reassurance that i still love you despite how much time i spend caring for the baby.

you need me to get down on the floor and play with you.

you need me to teach you how to roll your r's.

sometimes i forget that you're only a child.

sometimes my patience wears thin and i don't say the right things.

thank you for forgiving me and for loving me.

i love you little girl.

you made me a mama and for that i'll always be grateful.

hope everyone has a great mother's day weekend full of sleep and yummy food.

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week 5: recap

last recap! 

i now consider myself officially caught up.

[until i go back to work in april and neglect everything except my kids and my sleep]

sigh.

i really shouldn't complain since my job provides our family with health insurance that has great maternity coverage.

a much appreciated fact considering my bill from the hospital [that didn't include the bill from the anesthesiologist or evelyn's care] was more than $13,000!! 

so working my full 1 year contract is totally worth it.

week 5:

and that was week 5.

the zoo and that gummy smile were the highlights of our week.

in current news:

evelyn has had reflux ever since she was born.

it seems to be a horrific genetic curse since i had it as a baby, kate had it and both my sister's kids as well.

but evelyn's is much worse than kate's ever was and it had me concerned.

i talked with our pediatrician today about possible causes and solutions.

we think it's just reflux and nothing worse but he wanted to be sure.

so we took ev for an ultrasound of her stomach to make sure all is in working order.

much like we suspected, everything appeared normal.

i think the next step will be to try some medicine but i'll know more on thursday when we follow up.

i'm glad nothing seems to be terribly wrong with my baby but it's still quite frustrating.

every feeding means a change of clothes [for her and me].

bibs don't help- we have to use blankets instead of burp cloths to try to catch it all [and we never can contain it all. she seriously spits everywhere.]

the carpet and furniture have stains on them.

and she constantly stinks like spit up.

 today she urped in the car while i was taking kate to school-

i was just cruising along and i heard:

 'urp, splash... urp, splash... urp, splash... urp, splash'

that's her normal routine- to forcefully spit up at least 4-5 times.

she soaked her blanket, bib, clothes and the car seat.

she doesn't appear to be in pain and she's gaining weight, for which i am very grateful.

but it's frustrating nonetheless.

these are such minor complaints in the scheme of things.

i know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.

but still, i'm tired.

i just want to feed and snuggle my baby without getting a breastmilk shower. 

and that is that today.

complaining finished.

one more gummy grin?

ok, i'm not frustrated anymore.

.

friday nights used to be for partying...

kathryn grace:

right now you are sleeping in our big bed snuggled up with your dad.

you're congested, coughing and your allergies are horrific.

benadryl isn't working and your PA/dad says we can't give you anything else.

i have a feeling tonight is going to be a long one.

two hours ago, you coughed yourself awake and cried for me.

i scooped you up and carried you to the rocking chair.

i snuggled you in with 3 different blankets and rocked you back to sleep.

instead of putting you back in your crib, i just held you and thought of how you've changed my world.

i fell asleep listening to your breathing.

i can't remember the last time i felt so at peace.

thanks for making me a mother.

i love you.

ps. i just moved you to your bed since you were squirming like crazy. we've never slept with you in our bed before and i think tonight will be rough enough without being kicked in the head multiple times. 

pps. as i was moving you, you opened your sweet little eyes and said "movie??" oh man, you kill me. that would be a no, little one. i think there will be enough movie watching/couch snuggling tomorrow.

.

sunday afternoons are the best

future little jancers-

take note of what makes your momma happy:

kids reading [sans pants].

totally classic and wonderful.

future kiddos- please do this for me.

again and again and again.

because it never gets old watching your child "read" a book.

especially when it sounds like this-

'baa blak ee ja mo kaa quaa'

totally indiscernible and totally charming. 

love forever,

your momma

ps. to kate-- i didn't think it was possible to love you more but everyday i do. especially when you cuddle with me before bedtime while we read books. it's so hard to resist your requests for 'mo mo mo' [more]. i hope you wake up tonight so i can rock you and feel the weight of your sleepy head on my shoulder. 

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a friend

kate-

you have been a joy lately.
i don't think i've ever been so enamored with you.
we play silly games and you laugh.
we watch movies and you snuggle with me.
you copy just about everything i do.

playing on our bed is one of your favorite things to do

you're learning so quickly it's startling.
i want time to slow so i can enjoy this phase.
(and i don't think i've ever said that before)


a coworker once told me that it took her 18 months to 'fall in like' with her son.
and i remember thinking-
'that sounds strange, but i bet that's how it'll be for me'

some moms are blessed with the ability to love and like their kids immediately.
i wasn't one of them.

i loved you with all the love in the world from the very beginning,
but i didn't enjoy the baby phase as much as most new moms.
you were fussy and needed constant attention and i didn't know what i was doing or trying to do.
you and i struggled to find our balance.

it seems we have found that balance now.
you and i have become friends.
i like you and you seem to like me.
every night i say to your dad,
'i can't wait to see peanut in the morning'

your hiding spot-

we always find random toys under our pillows

kate, i want you to know these things.
i think it's important for you to know my thoughts and feelings.
and someday when you read this and say to me-
'mommie, why didn't you like me?'
i'll cry and say-
'oh peanut butter, i did like you. i just didn't know it yet'
and then we'll eat chocolate cake.
because that's what friends do.


love,
your mum

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