Friday, April 12, 2013

an overdue update

to all:

recently i had a friend ask how i was doing.
and not just a 'how ya doing? yah, that's nice', he really wanted to know how i was doing.
and i thought to myself;
'self, if one friend is curious and cares, then probably there are more people who are curious and care'

let's have an update 

[and i'll just throw in some random pics of the girlies and i at the 'castle park' because a post with just words is pretty boring]

the short and sweet of it is that i'm doing really great.
and if that's all you need to know, then carry on :)

but of course there's always more to it than that so here's the long-winded version:

i am still medicated.
my dosage nor medication hasn't changed.
jank and i have discussed numerous times when the right time is for me to wean off my med.
post-partum depression 'usually' corrects/stabilizes in a year or so.
the clinical recommendation is after a year of taking medication, the patient starts cutting the dose in half and then takes the medication less frequently until they're done with it.

i'm just not ready for that yet. 
i know it sounds dumb, but life is so good right now i don't want to do anything to change how i feel.
even if that means i could be medication-free.

i was so worried when i started taking my med that i would become some altered version of myself.
i worried that the med would make me false-happy and that i wouldn't feel like myself.

well, turns out that was a stupid thing to worry about.
the med just helps my body/brain stabilize, it didn't turn me into a robot.
i still have emotions, good and bad days, moments of joy and moments of frustration;
but under it all, i am able to think clearly and logically.
i no longer feel like my world is ending if evie cries because she's fussy.
i can get frustrated at kate and her silly 3 yr old logic without worrying i'm the worst mom ever and thinking she'd be better off without me. 

and let me just tell you how amazing that is.
hallelujah for modern medication and sympathetic/patient/loving friends and family who've supported me and not judged me. 

i'm no longer curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying because there are too many dirty dishes.
instead i'm on the couch with jank, watching 'new girl' and laughing our butts off. 

work is still hard.
i can't say i love this hospital- it's overcrowded and understaffed.
but i do love nursing and helping people and my coworkers are mostly awesome.
and although this ER has tried to kill me many times, i have learned a ridiculous amount from it. 
i know i'll look back and be thankful for my time here 
[after i've forgotten about all the times i've had an intubated patient, a trauma, and 4 other patients all at the same time]

so that's where i'm at.
life right now is pretty fantastic-
evie finally cut the 3 teeth she's been working on for the last month [augh].
we're headed to san diego tomorrow for a family vacation with my entire family.
it'll be the first time we've all been together in a long time.
so excited to have time off work and be together with everyone!

thanks to all who've stuck it out with me.
really i can't thank you enough.



Anna said...

So glad you are doing good, you are a wonderful mom and a great nurse! I wish we could have some crazy L&D reunion some day!

Kelli said...

Thanks for the update Kayla! I've been wishing that I could steal you away for an afternoon of Triple K, good food, and probably a chick flick or would probably help if I was in the country or at least the same state! Miss you, love you. :)