nothing beats the drive home from work.

katers:

last night i peeked in on you when i got home from my extra shift at 2:00 am.
you were laying horizontal in your big bed- sprawled out and breathing deeply.
your bed was full of toys-
your big snow white doll,
your ariel that swims in the pool with you,
the 4 books i read to you before i left for work,
and a bucket full of small toys [princesses, macdo toys, a tiger and a race car]

i stood in your doorway for awhile letting your sweet presence calm me.
i was still amped up from work.
i had just spent 4 hours trying my best to fix an unfixable problem-
too many sick people; not enough nurses, beds or doctors.
the feelings of frustration and ineffectiveness that are my constant companions at work melted away.

and as your fan whirled overhead, i tucked you back under your covers,
kissed your forehead and quietly closed your door.


thanks for being there for me last night.
i needed you.

.

flying home

oh time, why do you move so fast?

we got home to yuma [and it really does feel like home] last thursday mid-day and then i worked three nights in a row [starting thursday night. not a smart idea], had two days off and i'm back for three more shifts tonight.

i am thoroughly exhausted. 

time is slipping through my fingers and it's making me incredibly sad.

[or maybe that's just my completely out of control pregnancy hormones]

i feel like life is rushing past and i have no control to slow it or stop it.

ugh. i hate not being in control.

i have so many thoughts and pictures and stories to share but not enough time to do them justice.

plus, i really should be napping right now since i work tonight.

i'm hoping my brain quiets down enough so i can sleep.

and time, please just pause for a moment.

i need to breathe.

.

sometimes all you need is a moment to pause and reflect. i need to remember this.

i just woke up and i'm still a little tired so bear with me if this doesn't make sense.

last night was the first shift where i didn't feel like i had made the worst decision of my life.

going back to work full-time in an unorganized, crowded and vintage [by which i really mean gheeeettttooo!] ER has not been the most awesome thing i have ever done.

i miss my coworkers.

i miss knowing the ins and outs of a workplace.

oh how i hate being new.

but then last night happened.

and i got to save a life.

and hold the hand of a very scared patient and offer words of comfort.

and it felt so good.

i think the shift was such a good one because i read something inspiring before i went to work 

[which let's be honest i never do. usually i'm running late and forgetting my snacks.... i require a lot of snacks. a ridiculous amount actually]

i was preparing my talk for sunday [ugh. ugh. ugh]

and i happened upon a sentence that was meant for soul.

and i cried.

happy tears.

it was as if someone took a great ball of heat and comfort and love and shoved it into my heart.
and that feeling has stayed with me since [along with some annoyingly persistent heartburn]


and that's all i have for words today.
i have to go work on what i'm going to say on sunday when i have to address a crowd about 'focus and priorities'.
let's be honest, i have neither focus nor priorities nor speaking skills.
should be a good time.


ps. the weather is changing down here in ole mexicano. the humidity is waning and the temps were under 100 [they were 99. but still] for the last few days. hallelujah for fall!


.

summer and swings

kate-

well little one, we survived the week.
you watched more movies and ate more mac and than i care to admit.
but at least we made it with our sanity intact.
[i might be exhausted to the core but that's the life of a night-shift RN/mom]

there was a few times last week when i actually felt like a proper momma.
it was mostly anytime i took you outside on a walk or to the park.
the swings remain a favorite of yours.
you would swing for an hour if i could tolerate standing in the blazing heat.
[why doesn't someone build a public swing set in the shade???]

thanks for being so tolerant of my poor mothering.
and thanks for taking such long naps this week [they were heaven-sent i'm sure]


i love you more each day.


.

this week's going to be little rough

i picked up some extra shifts this week.
there is a possibility i will work every nite this week.
[if i get called in for my 3 on-call shifts]
soooo......
bring on the movies in bed with my toddler [and some kettle corn] so i can rest my eyes for a moment.
i might feel guilty about movies in bed but kate thinks it's the grandest idea ever.
so glad she's so easily pleased.


and a quick note to my patients:
no more attempts to puke on me please.
it's not very nice or cool.
and if you do not make any attempt to vomit in some sort of receptacle and instead vomit on yourself...
well, i might be inclined to let you sit in it for a bit.
just saying.


.

my commute

City of Salt Lake:


you are a charming little place.
i like you but sometimes i have difficulty calling you downtown.
you just don't feel like you have enough hustle and bustle.
and you lack architecture and height.
any decent city needs lots and lots of skyscrapers, everyone knows this.


growing up 20 minutes from downtown St Paul was awesome.
i didn't take advantage of it much [except the science museum!!] and this is something i deeply regret.
my sister was way cooler than i and would go downtown with her friends.
i was always jealous of her and her adventures.
but i digress, this is a letter to you, SLC.


SLC- you are a magical place in the dead of winter when twinkly christmas lights are everywhere.
and the spring! oh the spring is a glorious place time to visit you.
the tulips in temple square make me smile like an idiot.
i think a visit to those tulips is in order [once the weather clears- boo hiss rainy dreary day]


mostly my interaction with your city occurs in my car.
my weekly commute in and out of the city occurs around the hours of six pm and six am.
this drive is also mostly made on the weekends.
because of the crazy hours i keep i get to see the city deserted.
and a deserted city is kind of eerie and awesome.
a couple transients, a police car or two and maybe a jogger are the only ones on the street at six am on a sunday morning.
and this allows me to stop my car in the middle of the street, get out of my car and snap this picture:

i know it's not the only pretty thing in SLC, but it is rather beautiful.

 especially when the sun is coming up over the mountains.

seeing this building at 0720 after a long [only 11 hours thanks to DST] shift makes me happy.

because after a shift full of saying things like:

'please sir pull your gown down, your penis is showing... again'

'please can you stop saying the F word?'

'coworker! don't throw my patient's clean needles away! what if my heroin addict patient needs them later?!' [because i know i'm not going to stop them from using and everyone is entitled to a clean needle]

after all that- seeing the temple really calms my soul.




ps. did i really just use temple and penis in the same paragraph? oh my


.

breaking news

dear world,

i would like you to meet kate's pigtails:

these piggies have been a loooooong time coming.
what started as a cute little curl at the nape of her neck is quickly growing into a mullet.
i even trimmed the little curl a few weeks ago in hopes of maintaining a non-trailer park look.
i've tried clips and hair gel and even considered those atrocious flowers the size of her head that seems to be all the rage.
(ok, i only considered the flowers for a minisecond but i just can't do it.)
i was getting desperate and kate was wearing a hat everywhere she went.
thankfully it's winter and that sort of thing is smiled upon.

but then a few days ago i realized her i could torture her tiny hairs into pigtails.
and i do mean torture-- she nows winces whenever i touch her head.
whoops.

she looks like a 'who' from the grinch stole christmas and i deem it adorable.
and maybe, just maybe the "what a cute boy" comments will cease.
it's only been 19 months people.
i think it's time.

we took kate to a splinting workshop at my work and practiced our splinting

skills on her. turns out splinting a toddler is nearly impossible.

.

brown paisley - blue damask - green flowers - purple checks

kate and i ready to surgerize.

and yes, i know that 'surgerize' isn't a word

to my 4 scrub hats-

i heart you all.

you have sat forgotten in my bottom drawer for 18 months now.

oh how i've missed you.

i loved throwing you on when i was having a bad hair day.

when you work in labor and delivery, no one questions your scrub hat.

you might've just come from a c-section so it's socially acceptable to look like you're undergoing chemo.

today katers was playing "remove everything from mom's drawers and throw it everywhere"

it's a really fun game (for her).

amongst the socks and unmentionables were you 4.

i was pleasantly surprised to see you again.

i thought i had thrown you out (thank goodness i didn't!)

i scooped up my favorite and plopped it on kate's head.

she loved it and wore it for an hour (that's forever in toddler years)

then i put one on and looked in the mirror.

and i was overcome with nostalgia....

the last time i was in the OR was my last shift in logan.

i was in charge of a 3rd time mom who was pregnant with twin boys.

she was bound and determined to go natural.

the possible complications to that scenario almost made me soil myself.

most times the first twin is delivered without complication but it's baby #2 that worries us.

if that second baby is breech, a vaginal delivery is not generally attempted and we prep for a stat c-section.

(this is why we make mothers of multiples deliver in the OR)

so the calm room can quickly turn into a scene of organized chaos.

add to that a mom who needs to be sedated and intubated and we have ourselves a complicated mess.

it's so much smoother if the mom already has an epidural in place.

all the anesthesiologist has to do is switch the meds and badda-bing, she's numb and ready for baby #2.

if only it were always so easy--

i remember moving my patient to the OR when she was 7 centimeters dilated.

i didn't trust her to move slowly through the last phase of labor.

i had my crew in place and we were all ready for a calm and wonderful delivery.

my patient quickly dilated and began feeling pressure and wanting to push.

i page the doctor (for the 3rd time to come STAT) and hunkered down at the end of the bed.

i'm freaking out at this point but can't show it because my patient's husband has a video camera zeroed in on my face.

i had delivered babies before, but the thought of delivering preterm twins terrified me.

and oh great, here comes a head!

i tell the patient, 'don't sneeze, laugh, cough until you see the doctor'

she obeys like all patients should and goes to her happy place but the baby's head is still looming closer.

more freaking out.

then the OB comes flying in and barely has time to get her gloves on before baby one comes shooting out.

literally, shooting out.

baby one done, on to baby two.

the OB assesses the patient and calls out 'he's breech'

let's just add some more freaking out shall we?

the OB requests we hold off readying for a c-section.

i turn to clarify her request and see her elbow-deep in the patient.

after a few moments she declares 'i got him' and proceeds to pull the second baby out head first.

um, that's a new one for me- just pulling a baby out. 

but whatever, it worked!

there is a collective sigh of relief from the entire OR.

and then we proceed to clean up like usual (deliveries are amazingly messy)

i remember tearing up once that second baby was born.

i was overcome with relief and happiness.

my patient and i had both gotten what we wanted- a safe and successful delivery with no complications.

i teared up again when i moved my patient to the postpartum floor 

(i was full of pregnancy hormones ok?)

the patient and her husband were overly kind and the patient hugged me tight before i left.

they wished me luck with my own delivery (scheduled induction was a few days later)

and we said goodbye.

i don't remember any of their names but i will never forget that awesome experience.

somedays i miss delivering babies.

ok, that's a lie.

everyday i miss delivering babies.

it's magical and terrifying and wonderful and horrible.

one day i'll return to L&D but for the foreseeable future, my place is in the ER.

hopefully someday i'll be able to split my time between both places.

until that day comes i'll be content reliving past deliveries.

and wearing scrub hats at home.

ps. wonder why katers has been looking happy lately?? we've been practicing smiling. that's right. we have to show our child how to smile. it's ridiculous and hilarious to watch. we really should've video-taped the process.

.

i'll go sleep now

sometimes i can crash right after a night shift.

i leave my scrubs on the bathroom floor, brush my teeth and i am asleep before my head hits the pillow.

one morning i even fell asleep in the middle of a conversation w/ jank.

(i thought that only happened in movies)

but sometimes (rarely) i need to unwind after a shift.

so i sit in front of the computer, shake my hair out of the pony and scroll through my favorite blogs and pictures.

it's so fantastically distracting.

i get to catch up on my friends' adventures.

i get to reminisce about how much my life has changed in the last couple years.

i get to relive my favorite (good and bad) mommie moments

and then i climb into bed and dream weird dreams about my friends and family

today i want to dream about seven month old katers.

a lady with pretty hair

shari H

late saturday night, or was it early sunday morning.... night shifts just turn into a blur, you asked me why i have a blog. i told you it's because my memory is so very bad. i explained how this blog is basically my journal and kate's baby book and it helps me remember the little things. i told you it was for friends and family- so they wouldn't miss any of our going-ons.

and all that is true. (it really is my journal and i love rereading my entries)

but it's also for you. and people like you. those that inspire me and make me feel good.

this blog gives me a chance to recognize people in my life that have changed me for the better.

so thank you. so very much.

you ask about my life, about kate, about my hubs. and when you ask, i can tell that you really want an answer. you really do care. and that is better than chocolate ice cream. or sour gummi watermelons.

you told me that when i was a new hire you put great thought into who should train me. you picked kelli b and k bell to teach me the ways of the ER. i cannot thank you enough. not only are those girls phenomenal nurses but also life savers. i needed them and i am so happy that you listened to your gut and let me have them. i don't think many people would put that much thought into a possibly meaningless decision. but you did and i love you for it.

you're so incredibly hard working. and thoughtful to boot. and fun. and all around great.

so thank you for you. i'm glad you came to work nights so we could chat (even if you dislike the hours)

-k

now go give your dog lasix and stay up for hours with her. (did i mention selfless? b/c you've got that quality covered too)

not for me

to all those who wake early and sit at a desk:

don't know how you do it. seriously.

nurses are meant to be running around- starting iv's, giving meds, saving lives.

or changing adult diapers, washing poopy clothes and applying 4-point restraints.

same difference really. at least that's what i tell myself.

we are not meant to sit at a desk. even if the topic of discussion is trauma nursing; it still doesn't provide enough stimulation. we fall asleep, play with our phones, have rude side conversations about our favorite ER experiences and do everything possible to survive until break time.

then we eat chocolate donuts and have a sugar crash.

counterproductive.

kim sleeping, kurt internetting, ryan actually paying attention and me taking covert pics with my beloved boredom-sparing iphone

ouch

dearest black patent leather dansko's

why oh why didn't i put you on at the start of the shift???

oh yeah, i remember.... we got our butts kicked.

i walked in the door and was greeted by chaos.

and it didn't stop until 3:00 am.

too many patients, too many doctors ordering every test imaginable.

sigh

i never got the chance to put you on and now i deeply regret it