night shift

dear patients in my ER,

sometimes you are very nice, thanking me for my hard work.

sometimes you are very mean, intoxicated, rude and peeing on the floor.

sometimes you are forgetable, with nothing more than the stomach flu.

sometimes you are memorable, walking in the ambulance door in perfusing V tach.

you always keep me on my toes, even when i want to sit down and rest.

i want to thank you for continually challenging me to do better, know more and be more compassionate.

and now i would like you to stay asleep so i can sit and blog-stalk.

thank you and good night

nurse kayla

ps- i'm making holiday pay so i guess you can hit that call light..... but just one more time

5#3oz

ASB,

the best OBGYN ever. seriously.

i just finished watching kate's birth. i was uploading videos from the camera to the computer and decided to tune in for 40 min of wincing and groaning, smiling and crying.

and that was me in the present day.

you were marvelous... arriving with a smile and a joke about my speedy labor, teasing me when my contractions mysteriously disappeared during the pushing, reassuring me when i needed something for the pain (remember how that dang epidural never took on the L side?? curses!) and constantly, constantly telling me what a good job i was doing.

man i hated being the patient. i was too worried about too many different scenarios. i'm so glad that i had you there. (we can't forget peggy, aynsley and the entire L&D crew at the desk) but i'm especially glad i had you- a doctor i could trust wholly and completely and entirely.

you were/are the greatest.

thanks for welcoming my little one into the world.
she was blessed to have been greeted by an angel.

alive and well

bathroom scale:

i have been avoiding you of late. i was scared to see what you wanted to show me. we are entering swimsuit season after all... and i had reason to be concerned. 2 weeks ago jank and i were busy celebrating the summer break.

we celebrated by eating like 14 year old boys.

we frequented many of our favorite restaurants and never a calorie did we count. we ordered dessert. i made cookie bars. we had dairy queen.

we did everything we advise against.

and i didn't put a foot on you out of fear.

but the day of reckoning came today and i was scared for the complete opposite reason: 4 days of influenza. how low could your numbers go???

what's that line from "the devil wears prada"?

"i'm just one stomach flu away from my ideal weight"

i now completely get that, but still

don't appreciate the method

well, the exact number we will keep between you and me.

and big jank.

but the overall loss was 4 pounds. guess i'm glad i bulked up to begin with! scares me to think what would've happened if i hadn't.

the hubs tied the 4 pound mark as you are well aware

and miss kate you ask?

i'm not getting her anywhere near a scale for a month or two!! her chubby cheeks are not so chubby. i can feel her every rib when i pick her up and her spine sticks out like the wasatch mountains. almost makes a mommie cry.

tried feeding her a frosty today.... appetite still hasn't fully returned. i had to settle for a half a slice of bread.

sigh.

farewell for a time bathroom scale. we won't be needing your services until august when we will need to weigh our luggage.

thanks from the janks

and stay away from katers!

(left: birthday cupcake at the hansen's. right: listless on the couch, watching ESPN with dad, with bink and blankie of course)

blah

dear flu virus,

please leave and never come back. i haven't been so violently ill since i was a kid. jank is so sick with your virus he hasn't even been able to whine about it (that's saying a lot- when the big guy is sick he acts like a 3 year old). and katers is going on 72 hours of your yuckies and her bum is raw. i'm so tired of laundry and the house reeks.

i decided....i hate you mr flu virus.

please leave

with no kind regards,

the jancers

it's the little things

dear kate,

as you grow i hope you learn to appreciate the little things.

i am a pessimist by nature. i used to claim i was a realist, not a pessimist, but let's be honest. it's called pessimism and i wear it on my sleeve.

but i'm working on it. i want you to grow up in a happy home full of happy people and i know that a happy home starts with a happy mom. so i'm trying to be more optimistic and i am happier because of my efforts. (i just said happy like 12 times)

my recent efforts at optimism include trying to find the joy in the small things. life isn't easy. and it's definitely not always fun. but when i pause and take an inventory of my happies, life becomes more enjoyable.

my happies:

list making (duh, you haven't figured this one out yet??)

brownie trifle with raspberries- bless you miss buttars

patients who say thank you for my efforts

you learning to clap and dance in the same day

your face when we toss you onto the couch or bed- sincere apologies for any whiplash

cafe rio

when i sleep for 2 hours but it feels like 4- more than a happy... a true miracle

awesomely dramatic season finales- bones and grey's, i'm talking to you

my very own washer and dryer. apparently you don't appreciate a good beef roast... you threw it all up in your sleep. not having to take your bedding to a laundromat was a big happy today.

(sorry to always bring up your bodily functions. it's just a part of life right now. and hopefully

someday we can laugh about it. this morning i might have shed a tear when

i smelled/saw your crib. but it was only 1 tear and then i

laughed and took some pictures. which i will not post here.

enough of that has been shared already)

i hope you're on the receiving end of your father's optimistic attitude. i hope you grow up happy. and i hope you continue to give me open mouthed kisses.... but only while you're little. it gets creepy when you're older.

love,
your mum

cardigan love

dear j crew,

did you know that i'm obsessed with you? the obsession started in high school and hasn't stopped.

i love you

i really do

even if i can't afford you right now.

thankfully, park city has an outlet store of your glorious stuff and that makes me happy.

your discount to students also makes me happy

my favorite favorite favorite is your jackie cardigan.

i own 4.

that's kind of embarrassing. but kind of not, because i love them

i wear them almost everyday.

i get cold easily

i want the dark charcoal

and the light pool

and the coral....

ok lets face it- i want them all

and when i eventually shower and get dressed today i will wear one in honor of this post.

that's really just an excuse to wear something comfy

me and my cardi's-

(the navy one may or may not be my favorite)

i wear a small if anyone is so inclined to buy me one.

i'm sure i deserve it

and we slept

dear mr sandman..... again,

just wanted to send you a thank you from all of us.

you visited our home and we all slept well.

thanks.

after a good night's rest we were ready to tackle the day.

big jank returned to the U for one more semester before rotations start.

he has to take ACLS in a few days and has read the entire book in preparation.

um, can we say overachiever.... no one reads the whole book. johnny walker EMT probably hasn't even read the entire book. well, since he teaches it maybe he has.

but probably not.

due to the lovely sleep i had the energy to tackle the task of the day:

switching out nutties car seats.

YEAH!! no more rear facing crap.

she was excited for about 1 min and that was probably b/c i was grinning at her like the overexcitable mom that i am

and then she just sat there with a blank stare as we drove around running errands-

completely content to watch out the front window.

but she did flash some rare smiles and giggles when we found a park bench to play on.

pretty sure we spent about 20 min dropping the car keys

off the bench. it was sunny and we were right by a stream so i just

kept picking up the keys and handing them back.

it was great.

exhaustion

mr sandman,

bring me a dream.

please.

and if a dream isn't possible i will settle for some sleep. because today was rough.
4 hours of sleep isn't enough for my body.
4 hours of sleep after being called a f***a** and being damned to hell.
(seriously, that's not a word and no thanks, i'd rather not go to hell)

somedays i wonder if i do any good.

last nite i got frustrated and spoke crossly to a patient who may or may not have deserved it. she was pretty foul.

i was inpatient with my sweet daughter who is teething.

and my dinner of marinated chicken, steamed zucchini and yellow squash, sour cream and chive mashed potatoes sucked.

and let's not forget the refrigerator rolls that expired in sept 2009 that i served.


awesomeness


so mr sandman, help a girl out.

because i cannot survive another day like today.


ok, that's a little dramatic (even for me).
i'm sure i'll survive but it won't be fun.
and i like having fun.

fun means happy and happy is good.


i guess there is always benadryl

spring morning

dear mom and dad,

this morning i got up at 10 am. sounds like high school all over again huh? your granddaughter was awake and crying at 6:18 am. she's teething and it sucks. jank got up with her and i slept peacefully (except for some weird dreams) until 10 when they came to wake me. i love waking up to a happy baby. jank said she was horrible until the motrin kicked in- glad i was sleeping!

after waking i decided it was too nice a day to be shut in so i threw open every window in the apartment and enjoyed the spring air. and then i did the linens. it reminded me on home. those crisp mornings when i complained because you guys had your bedroom window open

"too cold, you guys are nuts" i would say.

now i understand. it's nice to smell the fresh air.

i miss home. and you guys.

(hurry up june 23rd and get here so we can see you)

the end of a good day

big jank,

the last 24 hours included:

a BUSY shift during which i told a cranky patient that the ER is not McDonalds. you can't just come in, place your order and be d0ne in 10 min. health care takes awhile...especially when a lonely 78 year old gets a hold of a call light.

5 hours of sleep- bless your soul for letting me sleep!

cinnamon bread from great harvest. basically all i ate today.

lizard and katers. they destroyed the apt once again but had fun doing it.

temple date including stolen glances and a cute old man with a lisp.

some really awesome singing by us. thanks FM100... yes we are lame and listen to "love songs after dark"

chocolate molten lava cake eaten, or rather inhaled, by me while you tried to sneak a bite or two.

a quick catch up on sports via ESPN (my most hated channel...but i didn't care b/c i had chocolate)



now it's time to snuggle and watch modern family.

love you.

a date

Diane,

tonight you watched katers so jank and i could go to IRON MAN 2. it was great to go out, buy our kiddie meal of popcorn, pop and skittles and enjoy (i only worried a little bit about you at home with 2 babies). so thank you for giving us time for a date.

thank you, thank you, thank you

it was wonderful... at least for us. sorry that kate and ryken decided to scream their heads off at the same time. yikes!!

best part of the movie was when scarjo was kicking bad guy booty and brysaac said really loud "wow, she's good!!!" love that kid.

thanks again

(kate kicking back at grandma's)

mother's day

mom,

now that i'm a mom i am starting to understand what motherhood is all about. and it makes me sad that i wasn't the best about getting your card mailed before mothers day. sorry. life gets a little too busy sometimes. but that's why i wanted to dedicate this tiny space of the universe to you. so you can read and know how great you are.

thanks for...

being so compassionate- especially that time when i was riding my bike with no hands with krissy d and i hit the curb and injured myself. not fun but you were so kind

being so thoughtful- i love my tiffany's necklace. i wear it constantly and it reminds me of you and kate. two happy thoughts

being so fun- when bb and i were in charge of the kids in south africa there were numerous times that we didn't know what to do or how to entertain them so we just copied things you did with us. and they loved it just like we loved it when we were little

being in love with dad. i love knowing my parents are still in love. i love that you miss him when he's gone

being so crafty- homemade playdough. neon puff paint birthday parties. black and white zubaz with hot pink shirts- ok that last one was horrible but so funny

being a wonderful grandma- it's so fun watching you play with kate. i can't wait to watch your relationship develop as she grows

being strict- remember when you followed me to "i know what you did last summer". i hated your rules at the time but i'm glad you cared enough about me to set boundaries and stick to them

being patient- you changed my endlessdiapers, fed me endless meals and loved me even when you didn't like me

i'm glad there is a day when i get to pause and honor the woman that you were, are and will be

it makes me so happy to know that i get to be your daughter forever

i love you mom

thanks for everything

*******

brysaac, ryken and kate playing together as cousins should

sleep vs eat

kate,

i made a decision today:

i would rather you sleep well than eat well.

don't misunderstand- i would rather you do BOTH well but that's not our reality. you're a pill to feed most days (still love your guts).

jank and i have an arsenal of tricks we use to feed you. most days it's a book held in one hand while we sneak food into your mouth with the other hand. jank's favorite is to feed you while i leap, duck, roll and dance around the table creating distractions so you don't realize you're being fed (it's my workout since i quit P90X). my favorite is to fake you out with a oyster cracker. at the last second i sneak the real food in and you are confused because your oyster cracker magically turned into an orange. it's awesome.

but no matter the frustration we feel when trying to get you to eat, it is always overshadowed by our joy in your ability to sleep. i take no credit (ok, a little credit) for how well you slumber. most credit goes to you and the babywise technique. i know it doesn't work for everyone but it sure worked for us. we drop you in your crib, wide awake, and you play for a bit and then pass out. and we watch survivor and eat oreos.

(kate in her pack and play before her crib was fixed)

a year gone by

dear kathryn grace,

yesterday you turned one. it was hardly momentous- celebrated by pancakes, hashbrowns and chocolate milk

you had half a pancake.

kill joy.

but don't fret, we will be celebrating until the cows come home on sunday up at grandma and grandpa hansen's. with brysaac and ryken. you'll love it!

i wanted this post to be magnificent and wondrous to behold. i wanted you to be able to read this when you're older (when i've turned this blog into a book)

and feel my love for you. but i suck at writing. so instead i am just

going to keep on loving you

everyday

for the rest of forever

i think that should suffice.

i wanted you to know some things about you. little things that i will inevitably

forget as you grow

things like:

you like to sit on your bum and turn in a circle using your feet

when you're really happy you lean back while sitting and kick your feet really fast on the ground (think bicycle ab workout)

you love the tub- the kicking feet get even faster in water!

you go to bed between 7-8 and wake up 12 hours later. i love that

some mornings we hear you "reading" books to yourself. i really love that

you're always cranky around 4 in the afternoon

you like vegetables. it's a chore to feed you fruit

you love to share your toys, half-eaten food and your blankie

(we don't always want the food)

you hate your rear-facing car seat but your dad won't let me turn you around

until you get a little bigger

you weaned off the bottle like a champ. it took absolutely no effort at all from us

your chunky cheeks are slimming and that makes me sad

you like to gnaw on your crib. not cool

you cry when i leave for work and although i hate hearing you cry,

i love knowing you will miss me

your blankie will quiet you when upset

you sleep with your knees pulled up under you and your face smashed into the mattress

you're sweet. and shy. and cute. and loving

wouldn't have you any other way

Happy Birthday katers

no letter, just pics

for your viewing pleasure:

kate and liz holding hands in their carseats

me wearing kate's easter bucket

kate being darling as usual- we don't like to wear pants in our house

busy little life

hard working nurses of ER,

i sit at home tonight blogging. (i also ate a bowl of cocoa puffs and watched some hgtv) i only made it one sentence in before bustin' out the parentheses. lovely. anyway, i sit home tonight wrapped up in my electric blanket, blogging, and enjoying some peace and quiet. i was scheduled to work tonight and although i REALLY didn't want to, i headed into work at 8. i was greeted with confused faces.

hate that.

charge nurse wasn't sure why i was there. miscommunication with previous charge rn left me forgotten. no one remembered to call and say they didn't need me til much later.

really hate that.

so i did what every good nurse does. complained to a coworker. and guess what??? 20 minutes later i was being sent home. to blog. and eat yummy cereal. and be warm on a rainy night.

of course being sent home comes with the stipulation of being called back whenever the need arises. but that blessed iphone hasn't rung yet. so i write.

and just so you don't all think i'm a whiner (which i totally am sometimes) and a brat- i made sure it really was ok with the staff before i ran out of there; skipping and yelling "yippee".

so to all my coworkers- thanks for working hard so i don't have to!

end story.

***********************************

the last few days have been packed with goodies.

first, there was a delightful outing with kelli b. we went to les madeleines and ate turkey, avocado sandwiches with lavender lemonade- which sounds weird but was so good. then we got ourselves some famous (according to kelli's friend who watches the food network) kouing- aman. soooo good. and then off to consignment shops to check out furniture. there was only slight mocking involved. seriously who paints a 5 foot picture of a cat?!?

second,

stay tuned, just got called in.......

whew! monday morning and i'm just getting around to finishing this post.

where was i? oh yes, secondly.....

friday nite (i know it's spelled wrong but i like it) kate and i found ourselves heading south to provo. i've only ever been there 3 times and the idea of provo intrigues me. don't know why, just does. we were meeting up with some old friends from the days of USU. we went to an italian place i can't remember the name of and ate yummy spinach ravioli stuffed with artichokes and smothered in a creamy alfredo sauce. it almost didn't matter that the service sucked (no tip from me) or that kate broke the jar of baby food i was going to feed her (glass and green beans ALL over the floor) or that my dr. pepper didn't come until half way through the meal. it was wonderful to see the girls again. and kate slept the whole way down and was adorable in her new pink hat. (these things matter!)

the weekend was filled with family time. brother brandon and girlfriend kerrianne were in town. brandon insisted we go to in and out burger for lunch on sat. he claims it's the best burger ever..... i like 5 guys. but the fries and chocolate shake are hard to beat. then it was off to oh sweet sadie, a place where moms go to show off how cute they can dress their kids and be judged on how creative their patterned shirt/solid cardigan combo is. (can you tell i'm not a huge fan?? it's a little to utah for me). but bb had a booth there and i am always in support of her awesome stuff so we went and enjoyed. sunday was church. good times as always. sunday school would have been great but katers felt the need to be constipated and while trying to poop she pushed so hard she vomitted (remember: over active gag reflex) all over my skirt and her blanket. next she peed all over the counter and her dress when i was changing her bum. the remainder of church was spent in a white tank top onesie. fashionable as always. all was made right by a dinner of chicken marsala with carrots and yummy mashed potatoes at bb's with the fam.

but seriously sister, you need to rename the dessert. "junk" just doesn't do it justice!!