the day after

to bare my soul for the whole world wide web is a frightening thing.
yesterday, i hesitated before pushing 'publish'.
i reread every word multiple times.
what would people say? think? do?
they'll all look at me differently now... do i want that?
a resounding no is the answer to that question.

but, like i said yesterday, there is healing in typing for me.
i've been in this all too familiar dark place before.
it happened after kate was born.
and i told no one.
not even my husband.

i struggled silently for months, ashamed of my emotions and my inability to control them.
i battled the depression until one day a singular suicidal thought flitted through my consciousness.
i guess it had been there for awhile, but i never really acknowledged it.
and when i finally gave in and let myself embrace it,
it was the crack in the dam that i needed.

that single thought shook me to my core.
i knew no amount of pride or shame was worth suffering alone.
so i confessed my thoughts, fears, worries and doubts to my husband.
and that's when i started to heal.

it took what seemed like forever to find peace again.
but through time and sleep and lots of talking, i found it.
and i promised myself and my loved ones i would never suffer silently again.

so now i reach out when i'm down.
as embarrassing as it is to ask for help, i do it.
i also have a check list i run through when i feel myself slipping down that dark hole:

1. have i slept? [always the biggest trigger for me]
2. have i ate and drank enough to sustain me?
3. have i fed my soul with good music or the good word?
4. have i felt the sun on my face?
5. have i released the pain? aka have i had a good old fashioned cry about it?

being aware of my triggers is a blessing.
it gives me control in an seemingly out-of-control situation.
it also allows brandon to help me when i can't help myself.
this situation is almost as hard for him as it is for me,
and the checklist gives him something concrete to hang on to.

my postpartum depression after kate was so different from what i'm experiencing right now.
3 years ago every day was horrible.
there was no ebb and flow to the dark thoughts-
they were constantly there, ruining every minute of my life.
i'm grateful it's different this time.
i have good days and bad days.
sometimes the bad moments are days or weeks apart.
and it seems that when the darkness inevitably descends on my heart, i'm quick to recognize it and push it out.

i still falter [and probably will for many months to come]
but i'm fighting this time instead of letting it take over my life.
i know i'm worth the fight and more importantly,
my family is worth the fight.
they deserve the best version of me and i'll do whatever it takes to give them that.

so thank you to everyone who reads this and doesn't judge me.
thank you for your kind words, texts and phone calls.
thanks for the quiet support and positive thoughts.


i promise a more light-hearted post next time.
i could use some light-heartedness couldn't you?




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thoughts

this blog is my journal.
that said, i often edit out the bad moments because who wants to read/remember those??
but there is so much that could be lost by blogging that way.


this post today was gut-wrenching to write.
i feel exposed and vulnerable and incredibly embarrassed.
but there is healing in typing for me.
it helps me to refocus and gain a different perspective.

i'm writing this not for pity, but because it's my life right now.
and someday when my children read this journal,
i hope they gain a better understanding of who i am/was.
and how very much i love them.

last night i wept silently while reading kate her bedtime stories.
kate sat sandwiched between jank and i, oblivious to the tears streaming down my face.
every so often jank would reach over and wipe my tears.
i could barely breath.
my emotions tumbled about and crashed in my head and choked the air from my lungs.

all i could hear were voices yelling at me,
'you're an awful mother'.
'you are worthless'.
'your kids are better off without you'.
'it would be better for everyone if you just left and didn't come back'.

and i believed every single word those voices screamed at me.
i believed it so much that i almost started to pack my bags.
i envisioned myself getting into my car and driving away from my family.

but instead i crawled into my bed and pulled the covers over my head.
and that might have been the bravest thing i've ever done.

it would've been so much easier to run away...
but i chose to stay and fight.

i will fight for my girls.
i will fight for my husband.
i will fight for my happiness.
but, oh how that fight feels like an impossible one some days.
and most days i don't even know where to begin.


i don't know why post-partum has to be so awful for me.
my emotions and hormones run out of control most days.
and lack of sleep has always been especially hard on me.
so working a night shift and then caring for an infant just about kills me.
i lose all sense of balance when my body doesn't get the proper rest.
and kate and i have been sick for the last week or so.
basically it all adds up to chaos.
absolute chaos.

in my dark moments when my thoughts threaten to bury me alive,
i don't know how to ask for help.
it seems impossible that i'm worth anything to anyone.

but then i remember who i am.
and the knowledge that i am loved by my Heavenly Father quiets those negative thoughts.
i know that these struggles are temporary.
i know that one day i will be whole again.
whether it's in a month when the illnesses have finally left our home,
or in a year when my hormones stabilize,
or maybe this will be my everyday battle while in this earthly body.

regardless of the timeline,
i will fight.



*******

i am so indebted to my family and friends for the support they give me [knowingly and unknowingly]

to katie for taking kate today so i could rest my sick, exhausted body.
to tyrel who is now going to watch evelyn after my night shift so i can sleep and not be a monster.
to my parents who's love i feel buoying me up each and every day.
to my amazing sister who's my lifeline.

and to my husband. i am so grateful for your enduring love and unending patience. i know it would be so much easier to throw your hands in the air and walk away from me and my struggles. thank you for sticking by my side and for keeping me afloat. you're my everything.


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sick day continues....

tyrel-

i'm taking advantage of kate's unusually long nap [probably due to the fact that she barely slept last night] to do some 'housekeeping' aka cleaning out my email.

i love these pics you sent me from our weekender to san diego.

how awesome is kate's expression in the first photo?

it doesn't even look like her!

reason #35,854 why i love my phone-

the camera doubles as a mirror so i can show kate the dolphin on her face

thanks tyrel.

can't wait to not work weekends so we can do it all over again.

[only 4 months to go!]

******

dear jank,

thanks for staying home from work so i could attend my mandatory work meeting.

sorry kate puked on you this morning.

hopefully her fever breaks soon,

still can't believe what a furnace she is.

103.6

yikes.

i love you.

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someone is 3.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ!!

we love you and miss you everyday.
can't wait to see you this summer!





ps. kate is down for the count today:: a temp of 103 that tylenol couldn't cure forced us to walmart for some ibuprofen. it was there that kate puked all over herself, the cart and my purse. it was awesome. she's feeling better now but she's still exhausted. she was up all night crying and sweating and peeing the bed [that happened twice. didn't know the flu made you pee the bed....] hopefully this is just a 24 hour bug. although i do love hearing 'mama snuggle me please'.
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teaching me to ride

bud the scooter-

it has been decided that because i am no longer packing heat [aka pregnant],
it's time we become well acquainted.

and so a few nights ago when jank came home from work at 530 pm instead of the usual 630/7ish
[ugh i hate his schedule]
we packed up the kiddos and headed to the nearest empty parking lot.

and there it was decreed that i love you.
you're quite fun to drive little bud.
although i still hesitate to go faster than 30 mph.
and i don't dare go more than 10 mph when kate is with me.
[and isn't kate's helmet the funniest?! we like to call her the bobble head]

and this is what happens when you have a kid who declares 'i have to poop!' and you are no where near a bathroom.
thank heavens for the toddler potty and the plastic sacks i keep stashed in my trunk for moments just like this.
pretty sure this picture will make me laugh for years to come.

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the day after a vacation is such a let down isn't it?

SoCal-

you're still our favorite.

even when you're overcast and ever so slightly drizzley,

you're still great.

[although it was super weird not to have 100% sunshine all day, every day. yuma has greatly escalated my expectations for weather]

we love that you're only a 2.5 hour drive away.

it makes for a great weekend get-away with friends.

mission beach and belmont park were fantastic.
i rode the rickety old roller coaster twice and i haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
the kids loved the kiddie rides and playing in the sand.
what a great way to finish out my maternity leave.
thanks SoCal!

and behold!
the one picture i took at sea world--

turns out that wrangling 4 kiddos and managing a baby severely cut into picture-taking moments.

which is kind of sad since there was 4 adults and ev slept the entire time [the ENTIRE time. what a great kid].....

ok, fine. i'll admit it.

i'm still intimidated by that dang camera.

i just hate when my pictures don't turn out perfect.

first step is admitting it, right?

the best part of the whole trip happened while we were watching the dolphin show.

kate started throwing a fit and yelling 'i wanna go to sea world! i wanna go to SEA WORLD!'

and no amount of reasoning helped.

finally we just told her 'ok, ok! we'll go to sea world next. we promise'

and that was that.

turns out 'sea world' in her mind is the elmo ride.

glad we cleared that up.

second best part was recognizing that we have turned into 'those parents'.

the ones i swore i would never become.

the ones who spend $10 dollars playing a basketball game to win a child-size stuffed shamu and $12 to get their kids' face painted. 

yep, we are 'those parents' now.

and please forgive our over-indulged toddler as she runs all over the park with her shamu fake-biting random people.

and please forgive us as we laugh at her antics instead of telling her to behave.

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