back to school.

dear God,

just a quick note to say thanks for making 3 year olds so easily excitable.
sure, it makes for some long days when i hear myself say fifty times-
'kate! please quit squealing and jumping on the couch'
but on days like today [when a certain mama forgot it was show-and-tell at school]
i'm so glad 3 year olds are easily impressed-
'look kate! two quarters i found under my seat! want to take them to show-and-tell?!'
'oh wow. money! YEAAAAAAA!'

mom's a hero.
end scene.

thanks God.
you make me look good.


ps. if it's not asking too much, do you think you could put a stop to evelyn's diarrhea? we're going on 9 days of blowouts and i'm just a wee bit tired of it. if not, that fine. i'm sure you've got plenty else to worry about.

thoughts

this blog is my journal.
that said, i often edit out the bad moments because who wants to read/remember those??
but there is so much that could be lost by blogging that way.


this post today was gut-wrenching to write.
i feel exposed and vulnerable and incredibly embarrassed.
but there is healing in typing for me.
it helps me to refocus and gain a different perspective.

i'm writing this not for pity, but because it's my life right now.
and someday when my children read this journal,
i hope they gain a better understanding of who i am/was.
and how very much i love them.

last night i wept silently while reading kate her bedtime stories.
kate sat sandwiched between jank and i, oblivious to the tears streaming down my face.
every so often jank would reach over and wipe my tears.
i could barely breath.
my emotions tumbled about and crashed in my head and choked the air from my lungs.

all i could hear were voices yelling at me,
'you're an awful mother'.
'you are worthless'.
'your kids are better off without you'.
'it would be better for everyone if you just left and didn't come back'.

and i believed every single word those voices screamed at me.
i believed it so much that i almost started to pack my bags.
i envisioned myself getting into my car and driving away from my family.

but instead i crawled into my bed and pulled the covers over my head.
and that might have been the bravest thing i've ever done.

it would've been so much easier to run away...
but i chose to stay and fight.

i will fight for my girls.
i will fight for my husband.
i will fight for my happiness.
but, oh how that fight feels like an impossible one some days.
and most days i don't even know where to begin.


i don't know why post-partum has to be so awful for me.
my emotions and hormones run out of control most days.
and lack of sleep has always been especially hard on me.
so working a night shift and then caring for an infant just about kills me.
i lose all sense of balance when my body doesn't get the proper rest.
and kate and i have been sick for the last week or so.
basically it all adds up to chaos.
absolute chaos.

in my dark moments when my thoughts threaten to bury me alive,
i don't know how to ask for help.
it seems impossible that i'm worth anything to anyone.

but then i remember who i am.
and the knowledge that i am loved by my Heavenly Father quiets those negative thoughts.
i know that these struggles are temporary.
i know that one day i will be whole again.
whether it's in a month when the illnesses have finally left our home,
or in a year when my hormones stabilize,
or maybe this will be my everyday battle while in this earthly body.

regardless of the timeline,
i will fight.



*******

i am so indebted to my family and friends for the support they give me [knowingly and unknowingly]

to katie for taking kate today so i could rest my sick, exhausted body.
to tyrel who is now going to watch evelyn after my night shift so i can sleep and not be a monster.
to my parents who's love i feel buoying me up each and every day.
to my amazing sister who's my lifeline.

and to my husband. i am so grateful for your enduring love and unending patience. i know it would be so much easier to throw your hands in the air and walk away from me and my struggles. thank you for sticking by my side and for keeping me afloat. you're my everything.


.

sick day continues....

tyrel-

i'm taking advantage of kate's unusually long nap [probably due to the fact that she barely slept last night] to do some 'housekeeping' aka cleaning out my email.

i love these pics you sent me from our weekender to san diego.

how awesome is kate's expression in the first photo?

it doesn't even look like her!

reason #35,854 why i love my phone-

the camera doubles as a mirror so i can show kate the dolphin on her face

thanks tyrel.

can't wait to not work weekends so we can do it all over again.

[only 4 months to go!]

******

dear jank,

thanks for staying home from work so i could attend my mandatory work meeting.

sorry kate puked on you this morning.

hopefully her fever breaks soon,

still can't believe what a furnace she is.

103.6

yikes.

i love you.

.

someone is 3.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ!!

we love you and miss you everyday.
can't wait to see you this summer!





ps. kate is down for the count today:: a temp of 103 that tylenol couldn't cure forced us to walmart for some ibuprofen. it was there that kate puked all over herself, the cart and my purse. it was awesome. she's feeling better now but she's still exhausted. she was up all night crying and sweating and peeing the bed [that happened twice. didn't know the flu made you pee the bed....] hopefully this is just a 24 hour bug. although i do love hearing 'mama snuggle me please'.
.

another sick day. doesn't it seem like i'm always getting sick??

it sure seems that way to me.
i spent the better part of yesterday with my head in the toilet thanks to a nasty 24 hr flu virus.
it sucked.

thanks to katie for watching kate so i could sleep [sorry your kid had to see me puke]
and a huge thank you to jank who always steps up when i'm sick and who makes a great mommie.
and finally, a note to kate:

 

thanks for being so dang sweet yesterday.
thanks for wanting to be near me as i puked [despite my efforts otherwise] and for wanting to comfort me-
'mama hold you' may be the sweetest thing i've ever heard.
thanks for coloring for hours on end and for not jumping on me.
i love you endlessly.

i'm truly blessed to have such great family and friends who take care of me.
thanks to everyone who checked in.
today i'm doing much better- i was even able to eat.
i'm still weak and dizzy, but that'll go away as i replenish my fluids.
[let's hope i have an easy assignment at work tonite. ugh, the joys of working full-time.]

.

not doing so great.

miss kate-

today you're running a fever of 101.
your patience is minimal and your tantrums are enormous.
you haven't slept well in days despite our best efforts [benadryl. lots of benadryl]

this morning you demanded milk, milk, some more milk and snow white-
i happily obliged.
you drank 4 sippys and crashed on the couch.
i hope you sleep for hours and wake up perfectly happy and healthy.

i'm hoping this is just another bout of teething.
i don't even want to think about it being something worse because that means you can't go to daycare.
and that means i won't sleep these next three days in between my shifts.
and that means i will die.
this is me being selfish for a moment.
please get better. and quickly.

also, i love you and hate seeing you sad.
hang in there little one.
this too shall pass.


.

i highly doubt it tastes better refrigerated like the pharmacist said

dear government health insurance program:

i received your notice today that you're terminating our coverage at the end of this month.
apparently the tiny amount of money jank is making at the VA [for a mere 12 weeks] is enough to disqualify us from your program.

we're so glad you're waiting until the end of the month to kick us off,
because miss kate decided she wanted to see the doctor one last time before we got the boot.
[on the morning of her birthday party no less]
and it sure was lovely to not have a copay to worry about.
[sometimes being a grad student has perks.... but mostly it sucks]


kate woke up saturday morning whining and crying and being generally annoying.
she wouldn't snuggle with jank and she didn't want her milk.
she kept pointing at her ear and saying 'owwwwie' [ahhhh i love a talking child. so much easier!]

we packed her up and headed to the instacare.
diagnosis: red, bulging right eardrum.
jank and i looked at each other and pondered 'cancel bday party or load her up with NSAIDs??'
being the loving and caring parents we are, we decided to march onward with the party.

fast forward four hours to a 900 sq foot apartment packed with 18 people and one heavily drugged child.
she had a blast at the party and has been a star about taking her medicine.
i thought she would regress back to the terror she was last week [especially with the excuse of ear pain],
but thankfully her good spirits have remained.


i feel like we've crossed another milestone in parenthood:
bottle of pink antibiotic in fridge? done and done.


thanks medicaid for helping us through grad school.
you've been great, but i'm happy to not deal with your red tape anymore.
standing in line at your office for over 20 minutes with yet another verification form with a toddler is not cool.
and dealing with your cranky federal employees has been anything less than fun.
but still, you've been helpful and we appreciate that.


thanks and goodbye.
the jancers.



.

ditch day

mr jank,

i promise i was going to go to church today.
i know i always struggle to get there when you're working.
i hate going alone, it's lonely.
but seriously, i was going to go today.
cross my heart.

i was showered, had already put dinner in the crock pot [lime chicken!] and was doing my make-up when i heard it--
the sick cough from peanut.
not the dry fake cough she's famous for.
but a gross cough and then came the boogies.
i'll stop the description there because bb's very pregnant, reads this blog and has a sensitive gag reflex.
[sorry if you're gagging sis]

let's just say i thought it better to stay home.
i thought back to when we were in charge of the nursery and parents would bring their sick ones to us.
we always looked at each other dumbfounded.
'are people really that stupid?' we'd ask each other.
it turns out, yep, they are that dumb.
and now i'm one of them.
i really considered taking her despite the cough and boogies just because i wanted to go.
selfish much?

so now i'm skipping church, blogging and listening to peanut cough.
she's supposed to be sleeping but is struggling to fall asleep.
poor thing.


ok, well that's the update for today.
i hope you get a chance to check the blog while you work.
and don't forget to eat!


and i know you'd be very sad if i didn't give you a pic to look at.
[check out her sweeeet hair]

love those monkey slippers!

yours always,
bug

ps. don't stay two hours past your scheduled time, ok? that's not cool.


.

sick day..... again. seriously? again?!?!

totally unrelated picture... 

babies in jammies dancing in our new kitchen

i swear no one gets the flu as much as i do.
what's up with that???
i'd blame it on working in the ER but i haven't worked in days so that's not it.
i guess i just have a really crappy immune system.... not cool.

i woke up yesterday at 7 am and just knew i was going to puke.
i finally succumbed to the nausea at 730 and it was awful.
repeat horrible chain of events at 9 and 1030 and there you have my morning.

thankfully kate was a gem yesterday and was more than happy to watch elmo and dinosaur train for hours while i laid helpless on the couch.
she didn't cry or try to touch me while i puked
(i was so worried about her sticking her hand in the toilet)
she just stood there watching me and saying "uh oh" and then "bu-bye" when i flushed.
that made me smile.

jank came home early because of some government hoopla at the VA which he wasn't allowed to be a part of.
thank you US government!
he tended to katers' needs and let me take a nap.
i love that man.
although he did make hashbrowns that forced me to lay on the bathroom floor for 30 min.


and just in case you're thinking the same thing i was at 730am.... i am NOT pregnant.
the first thing i did after puking was pee on a stick.
one line, not two.
thank you IUD.


so there's the summation of my yesterday.
i'm feeling almost top-notch today.
now if i can just get kate to stop resisting her nap so i can shower....



.

off to bed

feeling much better, thanks for asking.

but my creativity is zapped so no letter today.
maybe it's the cold...
it's probably the impeding move to a smaller apartment (but newer and nicer and cheaper!)
i sure do love the excitement that a move brings but hate, HATE the stress.
thank heaven for awesome family members who are willing to help- thanks everyone!!

until the creativity returns, i will leave you with this pic of kate.
because no one should have to go a day without looking at this adorable face.

kate story:

she hasn't cried in the car for days. i've probably jinxed it now. bummer. it's been wonderful. instead of wailing and gnashing her teeth and vomiting she reads books and makes faces at me in the mirror. what a difference it is to feel calm when driving and not be swerving all over the road because i'm reaching for something to distract her. today she showed me her teeth. as in smiled big and chomped repeatedly. i died laughing.

.

a day on the couch

runny nose.
cough.
man voice.
body aches.
yuck.

lesson learned- don't kiss your sick daughter.

although these tiny feet are kissable

we love old navy's socks- so squishy

even though today sucks (aforementioned sickness and snow outside- snow people! what is this- MINNESOTA?!?!)
there is still good.
and i'm proud of myself for being able to notice the good.
go me!

at least miss kate is feeling good as new.

now our days are spent shrieking and giggling- hallelujah!

i'm thankful that jank is not in clinic today or tomorrow.
i'm relieved that we had some dayquil in the medicine bag.
i'm thrilled i don't have to work the rest of the week.
i'm happy that kater's halloween costume is completed and i don't have to work on it with kleenex shoved up my nose.

me in my jammies and slippers

jank teaching katers about animals using flashcards from the 80's. love them!

here's to hoping you can find the good.
and if you can't- that's ok.
some days just straight up suck.
there's always tomorrow.


.

read only if not eating (you've been warned)

katers:

i'm trying to be patient.
honest.
i know you don't feel well.
i know you just want elmo.
i know you hate the constant stream of goo from your nose.
believe me, i HATE it too.

this morning i got distracted unloading the dishes and forgot to wipe your nose.
(this needs to be done every 3 seconds)
so you did the only logical toddler thing.
you came over and rubbed your face on my leg.
sick. gag. gross. yuck
i guess i deserved it.
i did forget about you for 10 seconds.
my bad.
but i do get props for not getting mad.
(told you i was being patient)

let's NEVER do that again ok?

.