a new way of being

about 3 weeks ago i threw in the towel.
i gave up the fight between my happiness and my pride.
i let happiness win.
and i started taking an anti-depressant.

i really wanted to beat this myself without relying on a medication.
i wanted to will it away, work it away, shop it away, ignore it away.
i was being stubborn and i was losing precious moments with my family.
so the day came when i finally swallowed my ridiculous pride and told jank it was time.
he was so relieved i had finally reached a place where i would accept help.

and our life hasn't been the same since.


i'm not saying that the pill i'm taking is a miracle drug.
i truly think a part of my feeling better is attributed to some placebo effect.
but i also can't deny the peace i feel in my soul.
i haven't felt like this in so very long.
it's like coming home after being away for a long time.

i feel like me again.
and it feels good.


i don't cry when a patient yells at me because the wait time was too long.
i smile more and my laughs aren't forced.
i fall asleep excited to wake up in the morning and spend time with my girls.
i can't get enough of my husband.

i still have ups and downs like everyone else.
some days are great [i finally finished decorating evie's room]
while others are rotten [evie and i had the flu for a few days, and oh boy was it bad!]
but underneath everything there is a permeating positivity that i've lacked.


hi. my name's kayla and i'm medicated.
it's nice to meet you.