blah, blah, blah

MIDMORNING MUSINGS:

a lack of a quality camera has left me bumming. i hate posting without a picture so i generally don't. there have been few quality pictures taken lately hence my overall disinterest in blogging. sad, i know. there are still so many stories to tell. stories that i will forget and wish i had written. curse my bad memory.

this morning, after miss kate had grabbed every elmo dvd case we own and hauled them into her crib so she could nap with "mo", i sat down at the computer and scrolled through old photos. i found myself looking at pics of my pregnancy days and i came across photos documenting my pregnancy rash. ugh, the horror. horror i will spare all of you because no one really wants to see my swollen belly covered in an unsightly rash. that cursed rash caused me to itch like a dog with fleas. jank used to laugh every night because i shook the bed with my itching. thank goodness for ASB who prescribed a steroid cream and ambien. (i think every pregnant person should have ambien on hand).

 people say you will forget the woes of pregnancy and labor once the baby is born. and you do... at least some of it. but then you see a picture of your pregnant self and it all comes rushing back:

liz telling katers she is lonely in the big, cold world and needs her cousin

you remember how your baby didn't ever really move except an occasional hiccup and how you used to constantly ultrasound yourself  at work just to calm the anxiety. you remember how random people would come up and rub your belly and you always wanted to punch them in the nose. you remember what it felt like to have a baby lodged under your ribs and how you had to constantly apply downward pressure to be able to breathe. 

but then you remember how it felt to be growing a life inside of you. you remember how some days you felt like the most important person in the world. you remember how you were given the green light to eat gallons of coldstone (yellow cake mix ice cream with brownies and cookie dough= heavenly!) you remember feeling magical. and you remember what it was like to have big boobs.

this post is by no means a hint that i am pregnant. i can hear both grandmas sigh in disappointment. sorry ladies! i am going to leave the baby-growing in bb's capable hands right now (hi little niece/nephew! see you in march!) i am too busy applying for government assistance, searching for a cheaper apartment, enjoying kate's growing vocabulary and most importantly, i am still healing emotionally from the hormonal tailspin that becoming a mommie brought.

i am healing though and that's the important part. i have learned that this tailspin is no one's fault: not mine, not katers' and not jank's. it was a combination of predisposition to emotional instability (flashback to freshman year- augh), moving 2 days after kate was born to a whole new city where i only knew one person, having jank start the PA program 1 week after kate's birth, and my unreal expectations of what motherhood would be. geez, even typing that sentence makes me emotional.




i don't have much more to say today but i'm hesitating to push the 'publish' button. i have a nagging sense i'm not done yet.... maybe it's because i owe a big thank you to all my family and friends and coworkers who have been there for me (even when no one knew how much i was struggling because i was too proud to admit it) i am truly blessed to have people who care about me and are willing to listen to me blah, blah, blah.

THANKS EVERYONE

it feels finished now.


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sick of seeing kate in her jammies?? too bad

dearest inventors of all toddler products,

damn you guys are good.

you get a mom thinking, "elmo is cute and educational and funny" so they don't mind when their toddler watches a few youtube clips of elmo and his ducks. but then it becomes a daily addiction (correction- an HOURLY addiction) and the toddler learns a certain dance that she will dance only when she wants her furry friend. and then it gets to the point of tantrums and chaos until the child gets her fix. then the mom spends 30 min feeling guilty about her child who is plopped down on the office floor, staring up at the giant computer screen completeley transfixed by the singing muppet. and then the child becomes morbidly obese because all she wants to do is sit and eat fried chicken and watch elmo's world.

(repeat above scenario except add an iphone and the peekaboo barn app)

what are you doing to the world evil inventors???

you're to blame for all the problems in the world.

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simple joys

dear kayla,

i want you to remember this night. 

it was a fantastic one. 

i can say mama, dada, ma (more), hi, bye, nana (banana) and mom's favorite- oh wow! and i love to jabber incessantly. i get that from my mommie.

the division of after-dinner chores gave you the joy of bathing katers instead of kitchen clean up.

miss kate was a peach as always in the tub- she still loves her bathtime.

there was no elmo watching or peek-a-boo barn playing after dinner- thank heavens!

the kid is all about the kissing right now- she puckers, leans in and makes a big smoooooooch noise. 

please don't ever forget how deliciously yummy kate smells after her bath. she's practically edible.

prayers were said thanking the Lord for a sunny sunday and for your japanese friend sheila. (you two made quite the ruckus in sunday school)

and then just like every nite, you close the door to the nursery and sigh because it's hard to love someone as much as you love that little stinker.

seems like just another normal night huh? 

that's because it was.

but that doesn't disqualify it from being awesome.

.

should i really be allowed to parent this child?

behold my law-abiding daughter:

driving to a neighbor's apartment. across the parking lot. no streets involved. going under 15mph.

don't act like you've never done it. 

we all have. 

5 point harnesses are time-consuming and they make kate cry.

(honestly mom, i swear it was just a parking lot!! would i really do otherwise? wait, don't answer that.)

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please quit eating the wood chips!

mothers of multiples:

don't know how you do it.

today (like every thursday) i had two toddlers.

getting them both up three flights of stairs, fed and entertained is work.

today we went on a walk, or in liz's case- a prance.

we walked to the central mailbox for the apartments.

we passed two dogs who were thoroughly barked at by the girls.

on the way back we stopped at the playground where a kid spit on me...

(long story short- i yelled at him, called him disgusting and he left to play in the mud)

the girls loved the slides and the wood chips.

maybe the wood chips more than the slides.

i couldn't believe the work it took to keep them both safe.
liz is a monkey and climbs on EVERYTHING.
kate is a wanderer and follows random kids around.
i think i said, "get down. come back here" twenty times.
and during the outing all i could think is 'this is tiring!'
but it was worth it to see the joy on their faces when they had a turn on the slide.

major props to you, mothers of multiples.
i don't know how you keep everything organized.
pretty sure my kids would be eating out of a trough and wearing nothing but diapers.



.

bawk, bawk

to the one that bailed on me:

i find great discomfort in asking someone to watch miss kate for us.
but there are times (many, many times) that the schedules of the jancers don't match up.
and then help is needed.

mostly i ask family, even though friends have offered (thanks friends!)
but truthfully i don't like dropping katers off with anyone but family.
reason being- family is obligated to love her.
even when she hits, pulls clothes, cries til she pukes and won't eat.
friends don't have to love or even like her.
my feelings aren't hurt about that fact.
it just how it goes.

i felt guilty when i asked you, mrs f, to watch my katers for 2 hours monday night.
i asked 3 weeks in advance just to make sure you had time to adjust to the idea.
and i followed up a week in advance so you wouldn't forget and then be surprised.
and then the monday morning you texted and asked

mrs F: "when do i have kate this week?"
me: "tonight if that's still ok"
mrs F:  "oh, was it monday?"

and that's when the texting ended and a very uncomfortable phone call began...
you said you made other plans.
i reminded you that our plans were made 3 weeks ago.
you said you could take kate with you on a 45 min car ride to visit some friends.
i informed you that she cries uncontrollably in the car.
(plus, i was not thrilled with the idea of you taking her so far from home)
an uncomfortable pause later and i found myself offering to find someone else to watch her.
uncomfortable pause, some more talking and hang up.

my sister (thanks BB!) ended up taking kate that night, making our once-a-week kid trade unbalanced.
i'm sorry you bailed on me and missed out on enjoying miss kate.
if you had watched her, you could have dressed her up in a chicken costume.
it would've been a good time.
your loss.

sincerely,

mrs jank

(the lady who's watched your kid twice and will do it again monday morning)

no words. just cuteness.

and some dorkiness.

she's a jancer, whaddya expect?

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in a galaxy far, far away...

dear aliens that stole my child:

katers full of light and love

thanks for returning my baby to me.
i'm happy to report she is doing well.
i hope you're enjoying the devil-child i swapped you for.
personally, i feel that i got the better deal.
but i'm going to keep my mouth shut about that.

i'm sure you enjoyed the few weeks you had with my baby.
she probably played quietly by herself,  taking all your space shoes and hiding them all over the spaceship
she probably ate your space food without complaint.
and she probably gave you high-fives and kisses and hugs.
and she probably played nicely with other kids.

the demonic toddler i was in charge of is probably throwing punches and screaming because you don't get 'elmo' in outer space.
does she cry so hard she throws up when you buckle her into her intergalactic car seat?
does she throw every last morsel of food on the ground and refuse to eat?
does she claw/bite/shove the martian kids when they try to play with her?
oh? she does? well, that's just too bad.
a deal's a deal.
you're stuck with her.

martian clone of katers. filled with darkness and anger

i'm not trading my baby for devil-child ever again.
but katers is hard to resist so i'm sure you'll return to planet earth to snatch my kiddo up again.
maybe you could give me an advance warning next time?
maybe something like turning the sky neon pink the day before so i could stock up on snuggles.
and then i could mentally prepare for the devil-child's return because this time you caught me by surprise and i really didn't appreciate it. (neither did jank, my family, or my coworkers)

celebrating kater's return to planet earth.

(also celebrating jaiden skye's blessing day)

live long and prosper alien kidnappers.
go bug another planet.



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letter from kate

cousin liz-

i'm so jealous you are almost done with teething.
how come we couldn't just be born with all our teeth?
sure it would be creepy for our parents, but it would be so much nicer for us.
mom and dad don't know what more to do for me.
i try to tell them to give me percocet but i can't say that yet so they keep giving me motrin.
that stuff is crap.
doesn't do jack for the pain.
i woke up 4 times last night screaming "give me the narcs!!"
and they wouldn't.
they just rocked me and gave me a binki.
yeah, like that's helpful.
idiots.

so today i had to take matters into my own hands.
we were driving to the library to return some books and my teeth hurt so bad i wanted to cry.
so i did.
i cried and cried and that didn't do a dang thing for the pain so i resorted to chewing on my shoe.
it tasted pretty good and you know what big cousin??
it helped!
i chewed on that shoe until we got home and mom made me stop.
she said it wasn't sanitary or something.
whatev mom!
the shoe did more than you did.
so there.

next time you have a tooth coming in, just grab the closest shoe and go to town.
hope it helps you like it helped me.

love, 

kate

ps. you owe me 3 cheddar goldfish for the advice.

pps. can't wait to see you thursday.... do i get another head massage?


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to the one who eats enchiladas at 10 pm

Mr. Jancer, 

peach days in brigham city

not much in my life these days is a guarantee. each day is filled with change. kate grows before my eyes and learns new things. today she asked for a banana. actually said "nana?" and then ate it...well, some of it. but still. it was awesome. 

but there are a few things that stay constant. your love being the greatest stabilizer i know. i can count on being able to climb onto your lap and snuggle into my spot and tell you all my worries. you hold me and tell me things i need to hear. you handle my feelings with tenderness and patience and never make me feel stupid... even when i know i'm being stupid. 

you're not a perfect man. as i type this my arm keeps hitting your stack of papers that threaten to topple over and knock down 2 half empty soda bottles. sigh. you're just a tad on the messy side mr jancer. 

you pile, i file. 

but i will gladly live amongst your piles if that means you will take me on sunday drives and daydream with me about our future. and i will definitely overlook the messes if you make a habit of asking me "can we make a chocolate cake?" like you did tonight.

i'm a lucky girl. 

thanks for making me mrs jancer.

ps. 

i put away all the nintendo controllers so kate can't strangle herself anymore. now what will she do for fun???

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166?... 178?.... ah, screw it

mr. hardgrove:

you taught one of my high school math classes. i didn't learn much. not because you were a bad teacher- it's just that math always made sense to me so i didn't have to work at it. except the other night at work when i had to subtract 4 from 180 and i couldn't figure it out. no joke. i had to ask a coworker to verify and he thought i was insane. 

maybe i am. 

sure feels like. 

let me explain it to you mathematically and maybe it'll make more sense-

(4 molars coming in + the monthly reminder that i am indeed a female) * (sense of dissatisfaction in my parenting skills + husband's constantly changing clinical schedule)  = inability to subtract 4 from 180

hope that simple equation clears it up for you.
thanks for teaching me math stuffs.

ps. sorry i made fun of your fat fingers... but you have to admit it's funny that you can't use a calculator because your fingers hit 4 buttons instead of 1.

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two toddlers.... oofta!

my 3:06 pm to 4:28 pm looked like this:

cousins play nice pushing each other in the rocking chair

(bb- the apt was cold hence the leg warmers i put on magoos)

kate turns into a rageaholic

and liz is left thinking... "my couzie sucks"

the wind blows the curtain and they are both distracted for a sec

liz flashes a mischevious look

while katers blows raspberries at me

liz becomes obsessed with katers' curl

the obsession continues....

and continues...

liz just could not get enough of kate's blonde curl

can't blame her- it's my fav also

and so it went until they realized they were tired

and threw side-by-side tantrums on the floor

(that's when the binkis and blankies were deployed)

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please ignore the bud light can

THE MEN AT 'BIG O TIRES' -

thanks for changing my oil and rotating my tires. 

i'm not a fan of getting dirty but i am a fan of spending money so our relationship works out. 

don't ya think?

while you all slaved over the protege, katers and i strollered up and down state street. 

we came upon this alley and stopped for some pictures. 

because mom + camera + time to waste = pictures! 

of course the kid wouldn't put down her treat cup full of goldfish for 2 seconds. 

i figured pictures with the treat cup beats pictures of a temper tantrum so she won that one. 

stubborn little child.

can't blame her. 

goldfish are yummy.

someday i'll capture her smiling...

best present ever

mom-

while i worked last nite, jank was at home "studying". now you know jancer- a very dedicated student and a obsessive studier but last nite he found my scrapbook in iphoto and got distracted for an hour or so perusing old photos of me (the good and the bad- eek!) he picked out his favorites and this was one of them:

i must agree. it's a fav of mine also... i'm just so darn cute! can't you just see a little bit of katers hidden in there? behind all the hair of course. 

anyway, just wanted to say thank you (again) for taking the time to scan each and every page of my scrapbook so we could have a digital copy. oh, and thanks for taking the time to make a scrapbook... i really should get working on kate's book.

peanuts? pretzels? toddler wailing in your ear?

dear katers:

today (well technically yesterday but i'm at work so i still considered it today) we flew home. back to real life. no more enjoying a house filled with uncles and aunts. no more sunday dinners with the fam that end up with brothers and sisters bickering- reminded me of growing up a little too much. no more nana to get you up in the morning so your dad and i could sleep in. no more snuggles with papa while kerrianne and brandon open wedding presents. (i'll have to post a pic of that when i get home and can sync my phone) no more tennis in the backyard. and no more cookies, cheesecakes, wedding cake, and candy overflowing on every countertop.

as sad as i was to leave, i wasn't all that stressed about the flight home. you did so well on the flight out that your dad and i didn't really give the flight back a second thought. we just deprived you of your morning nap and figured you would crash en route to slc. not so much... not even close to what really happened. instead you wailed and screamed and worked up quite a ruckus.

i felt so horrible for you, we had purposely tortured you out of your morning nap and you (and everyone within 10 rows of us) were suffering for it. but there was also a part of me that was so frustrated and mad at the situation and to be honest, at you . those feelings were unfounded, i know, but i still had them. and then i had guilt over having them. it sucked. for you and for jank and for me and for everyone else. it just sucked.

so i'm sorry little one. i don't know what more to say. i'm just glad you finally fell asleep... even if it was on the final decent into slc. stinker!

love you despite it all (and i always will)
i hope you are sleeping well.
i bet your happy to be back in your crib with your measuring cup, 4 blankies, 2 books and a lovie.


ps. as promised:

nana was sooo jealous.

2 options: purple or blue.

the wedding went off without a hitch. 

my dad did the marrying and i thought it was beautiful.

we're glad to have kerrianne officially be a part of the craziness that is the haskins.

i just wish i had a decent camera to capture the awesomeness of the coordinated outfits 

(it wouldn't be a haskins' affair without matching clothes)

until that day comes when we can buy a sweet camera, i will be content with my iphone and the fact that that it captured this almost-smile from my daughter. 

glad my uncles were there to make us all laugh

more to come...

please turn off all electronic devices

Dude who was trapped in the window seat:

glory, glory hallelujah 

this awesomeness lasted for 80 minutes!

 we warned you when you sat down that today's flight might be anything but peaceful. flying with a toddler in the seat next to you always has the potential to be a horrifying experience. you told us not to worry and that you had three kids of your own. then you proceeded to call katers "him" and we politely injected a lot of "her's" and "she's" in to our conversation which was probably a little rude of us but you started it. no worries though, you apologized and commented on how cute our daughter is so all is forgiven.

you were a wonderful flight companion. you didn't hog the armrest. you didn't complain when katers accidentally kicked you. you didn't try to go to the bathroom once the kid fell asleep (sprawled across jank and i). you just sat in your window seat with the shade half closed, playing poker on your iphone and listening to music. 

hope your stay in minnesota is a good one! we strongly advise going to the state fair which is currently going on. try the deep fried pickle and corn on the cob. you won't be disappointed. 

growing pains

daughter of mine:

you are growing up so quickly. i never understood why people would say "savor every moment, they grow too fast".  i always thought i would be different, that somehow i wouldn't think that way or that you would grow at a perfect pace.

i was wrong.

i love watching you discover how your world works but it comes at a price. you are no longer my baby. you are a toddler. a little person who like temper tantrums, hiding shoes ALL over the apartment and playing hide and seek.

jank said the other day that this is his favorite phase thus far and i must agree.

i love how you say "nooooooooo" in a quiet, somewhat whiny voice when your don't want to eat something. or how you blow kisses at me from your car seat. or when you greet me in the morning with a bounce and a grin.

but my favorite thing you've done up thus far was a few days ago:

i was drying my hair and you walked into my bedroom, stood in the bathroom doorway and fussed. you weren't crying or yelling... it was a frustrated sound- a mix between a grunt and a whine. i was confused. i asked "what katers? what do you want" and you looked at me with your gorgeous blue eyes and made that sound again. to which i replied "ok, show me what you want" and then you took my hand and marched me to the kitchen where you stopped, looked up and pointed at the counter. there sitting on the counter right above your head was a ziploc full of graham crackers. i opened the bag up, gave you one and you smiled. then you shoved the cracker in your mouth and walked off and i was left standing there marveling at our "conversation".

this will probably seem trivial to you by the time you are able to read this. but i want you to know how much those few minutes meant to me. we've had "conversations" before but this one stuck with me. don't know why and i don't care to analyze it.

i just know i love you and that's enough.