and with a crash, bang, boom... she entered our world

miss evelyn rue:

for weeks i've been trying to get the story of your birth written.
i know if i don't write it soon, i'll start to forget all the little details.
so this morning [while kate's at school and you nap] i'm sitting down with a cup of hot chocolate and writing until my emotions get the best of me.
because let's be honest, post-partum is nothing but an emotional roller-coaster and writing the story of your birth is going to do me in.

hope someday you enjoy reading how you came into our world.
we love you a ridiculous amount baby girl.
so glad you're ours.


[and to everyone else who is reading this:
it's long.
really, really long.
and personal.
feel free to skip this one]


the story of how i got the baby i wanted and the labor and delivery i didn't:

ok, let's begin on the evening of february 7th.....

the ever-important hospital bag

my induction was scheduled for 7 pm tuesday night but was pushed back due to high patient volume in L&D. I knew this could happen and secretly hoped it would- i just wasn't ready to face the pain. call me a wuss, it's true- i don't handle pain well at all. the extra time allowed me to snuggle with kate and jank which i was very grateful for.

we went to bed around 11pm with the knowledge that we would probably be called sometime in the night. as expected, my phone rang at 1215 am [after only 1 hour of sleep]. the charge nurse asked that we come to the hospital since they had a bed available. we grabbed our hospital bag and off we went. what a exciting ride that was- jank and i both full of anticipation, excitement and fear. but mostly i remember feeling complete happiness knowing that i was about to meet our little girl.

my plan was to document my labor in pictures... 

that plan didn't really pan out.

we arrived at the hospital with chips and salsa for the nurses [always a good idea to suck up to the nurses!] and were quickly shown to our room. this is when i realized how much i hate being the patient. my voice was shaky as i answered all the initial assessment questions and i laughed nervously about a thousand times. my nurse katie was great [especially since she drew the short straw and had to take care of a nurse. nurses really do make the worst patients- we don't do well relinquishing control to someone else].

soooo not excited to be the patient.

the plan was to start me on a medicine called cytotec which would ready my cervix for labor [i was only dilated to 2 cm and was 50-60% effaced at that time so pitocin wasn't an option]. i received one dose of the medicine and was instructed to try to get some sleep for a few hours while the medicine worked it's magic. jank and i hunkered down for what we expected to be a looooong labor and were able to rest for a bit. and then the trouble started....

i was trying my hardest to ignore the computer in the room that was recording the baby's heart rate and my uterine activity. i even had katie turn down the volume of the baby's heart rate so i wouldn't obsess over it. but who am i kidding? i stared at the screen like a crazy person- i wanted to see every little rise and fall of her heartbeat. i started to notice that ev's heart rate wasn't responding as expected. she was within the normal range but didn't have great variability [which can be attributed to a sleepy baby, how i'm positioned and/or lack of oxygen]. i was just readjusting myself onto my side to see if that would help when katie came in to reassess the situation. she helped me turn all the way onto my side and then we waited to see if the baby would respond positively to the new position. she did.... briefly. and then it was back to the same old 'flat' heart rate. so back in katie came to readjust me again. we played this game for a bit- right side.... left side.... on my back with a slight tilt... all with the same result.

katie came in at some point [the times are a little foggy to me- probably around 4am] and put some oxygen on me. i remember turning to brandon at that time and saying 'we're only 2 hours into this labor, i'm only 2/2.5 cm and i already have oxygen on. this isn't going to go well'. in my head i was already preparing for a c-section. and i was scared.

i'm not opposed to c-sections. i support any method of delivery as long as the result is a healthy baby and mom. i just never wanted to have one myself. when i pictured my delivery, i envisioned pushing my beautifully healthy baby out and immediately having her placed on my chest [with a towel to help control the yuck factor]. i envisioned helping the nurses dry her off while i stared at her face and listened to that wonderful newborn cry. my arms ached to hold that baby. i didn't want to be strapped to a table and not be able to see her enter this world. but i also knew i would be ok with any outcome as long as she was healthy.

[it's funny how we go through life and get so caught up living our day-to-day that we don't realize what an impact the present will have on our future. i suppose life will always be that way since we can't see the future and therefore we will always be consumed by the present...... that said- i'm so grateful for my past experience as a L&D nurse. my previous knowledge of labor allowed me to prepare myself for this unwanted turn of events. thank you to georgette my manager in logan who gave me a job as a tech and then as a RN on L&D and to all the nurses and doctors who taught me about labor. because of them i was able to handle this stressful situation. although i'm not sure i 'handled' it all that well.]

ok, so there i was with oxygen on, laying completely [and uncomfortably] on my left side. baby ev's heart rate was responding decently to the oxygen. things were ok for a bit. not great mind you, but ok. i have to imagine at some point katie was on the phone with my OB keeping him abreast of the situation. i was told he liked to be updated despite the late hour [this would seem like a no-brainer to most people, but it has been my experience that not all MD's are created equal. there are many who don't like to be bothered at 3 am unless something is tragically wrong]. no decision to pull the plug and head to the OR had been made yet since the baby's heart rate was tolerating the 'labor'. i put that in quotes because i really hadn't started having contractions yet.

once my uterus started to respond to the medications we ran into more trouble. every minor contraction [and they were minor. i barely felt them] caused evelyn's heart to dramatically drop. once the contraction ended her heartbeat would return to normal and we would carry on until the next one when it would do the same thing. this brought katie back into our room to reassess me since sometimes these kinds of decelerations of the heart can indicate a sudden dilation of the cervix. but not for me- no cervical change occurred. i was given more fluid through my IV and once again turned to my other side. and there i stayed until i had to get up to go to the bathroom. katie helped me unhook from the computer and told me to call her when i was back into bed. i thought i would save her the trouble of having to come back in and i hooked myself back up. evie's heart rate was quite low initially but returned again to her baseline once i turned onto my side. a few minutes later i had a decent contraction and with it brought the expected drop in her heart rate. i was facing away from the computer at that time so i could hear her heartbeat but couldn't see what rate she was at. i waited for the contraction to end and with it the return of her heartbeat to a normal rate. i felt the contractions abate but didn't hear her heartbeat increase. i waited a few more seconds and waited.... and then i just knew. i was filled with an incredibly intense feeling of dread and fear. brandon felt it about 5 seconds after i did- he had been resting on the couch in my room and could sense something wasn't right. i asked him to get up and turn up the monitor's volume and just as he was walking to the monitor, my door opened and katie hurried in.

at this point evelyn's heart rate was in the 80's.
it will be a long time before i forget how dreadfully slow that heart rate sounded.

on katie's heels were 4 more nurses. i distinctly remember seeing 4 pairs of feet hurrying to my bedside and thinking 'please let them be good at what they do. please let them save this baby'. it's hard to remember everything that happened in those next few moments. it was organized chaos. my sheets were whipped up, my cervix was checked, my oxygen was increased, more fluids were given and then in walked my OB. he didn't spare a moment greeting me- he slapped on a pair of gloves, broke my water and attached a fetal scalp electrode to evelyn's scalp [so we could more accurately monitor her heart rate]. at that point he looked me in the eye and said something along the lines of 'well, this isn't going well is it?' i just stared at him like a deer in headlights. i was obsessed with the metallic beep, beep, beep coming from the computer telling me my baby's heart rate- still too low despite everyone's efforts.

i remember reaching for brandon's hand and wondering why he wasn't standing at my bedside. when he didn't immediately take my hand i turned my head to look at him. his face was pale and he look terrified. later he told me he couldn't breathe and was having chest pain so he sat down. he was so worried we were going to have a bad outcome. brandon's not one for dramatics like i am and i cried when he told me that part of his story.

dr lewis then proclaimed 'this isn't working, we need to get to the OR'. and with that pronouncement the chaos increased. the anesthesiologist was suddenly at my bedside. i was given preoperative medicines. consents for surgery were signed. brandon was quickly changed into scrubs. i feel like i blinked and suddenly i was being wheeled into the white, sterile and cold operating room.

i was quickly positioned for a spinal and i tried very hard not to think about what would happen if the spinal didn't work fully. [i've assisted with a few c-sections where the spinal didn't work fully and the moms were crying out in pain. it was pure hell] my anesthesiologist was amazing- calm and collected and took the time to reassure me since brandon couldn't be there to do so [he was allowed in after they started the surgery]. i remember repeatedly telling him i could move my left toes and he patiently reminded me [over and over again] to give it one more minute and i would be numb. he was right and by the time the surgery started i was indeed numb. hallelujah.

as i laid on the OR table with a sterile drape in my face, i stared at the bright light in front of me and tried to block out the sounds of the OR. i knew what a c-section looks like, i knew what all the inside layers of the human body look like and what the surgeons must do to get to the uterus. i knew when they would cut and when they would tug and tear and i knew my baby was still in trouble. scariest moment of my life was right there on that table. the spinal was spreading up my chest and into my arms, making it hard for me to breathe. i couldn't hold brandon's hand tight enough. i remember praying over and over again as tears streamed down my face. i prayed for evelyn to be healthy. i begged for her to be ok. at this point she thankfully still had a heartbeat but it had been so low for so long i couldn't ignore the possibility that there might complications.

and then i heard the surgeons say 'she's out' and for one small moment all was silent. i think i aged 10 years in that moment. and then i heard her cry. and there has never been such a beautiful noise. she cried and cried and cried and i cried right along with her. the nurses allowed me to see her very briefly before taking her to the warmer. she was pink and covered in vernix and so very beautiful. i couldn't see the warmer from the OR table but brandon was able to video for me those first few minutes of our daughter's life.

i laid on that table listening to them call out my daughter's stats and i drank in those numbers like they were my lifeline: apgars of 9 and 9 [it's based out of 10 so 9 is great stuff], 5 pounds and 12 ounces [much bigger than expected!], 19 inches long [so tall compared to kate!]. and with every passing moment i became more and more overwhelmed. i was consumed with relief. relief that my gorgeous baby was here and ok. relief that my spinal worked and i didn't feel the surgery. and relief that i was done.

and when they brought her to me, all bundled like a burrito and with that silly hat on so i could only really see her eyes, i sobbed. i couldn't hold her but the nurse [bless her for understanding how much i needed to touch my baby] pressed her face next to mine and i whispered 'i love you' a thousand times and kissed her cheeks until they had to take her away to be monitored.

look how happy she is! 

brandon stayed with evelyn throughout the next hour. he was able to watch her first bath and take pictures for me. he kept me updated while i was monitored in the recovery room. i was given plenty of pain meds so i don't remember much except i was very happy and very tired. and extremely grateful everything turned out ok.

we love you little miss evelyn rue.

more and more each day. 

.

waiting...

miss kate-

as i sit at the computer and type, you and your dad are running around 'the loop'-
your happy shrieks and laughter fill our home.
and i'm choking back tears.
ugh, pregnancy hormones.

we spent the whole day together and i've kissed you and held you [uncomfortably] on my lap as much as you would allow.
i feel silly for being so emotional about my impending induction tonight.
i'm full of nerves and excitement and worry.
everyone assures me it's normal to stress about adding a new kid to the family.
everyone says we'll adjust quickly and soon i'll never remember what it was like to just have one little one to love.
i hope it's all true.

aunt BB asked me tonight what i'm most worried about.
baby E's health, you, the pain and a 4th degree tear were my answers [in order of importance].
i'm sure everything will be just fine and i'll look back and laugh at how worried i was.
but until it's all over and done, i'm just going choke back the tears and hold you extra tight.

i love you little one.

love,
mama.

****update: my induction has been put on hold until there is a room and a nurse available in L&D. [apparently everyone else's body knows how to go into labor on it's own]. it's possible i will be 'on call' all night and may not get in until morning. nana has been dispatched to chili's for chocolate molten lava cake****

.

friends

dear yuma friends:

thanks for spoiling me with a baby 'sprinkle'.

and for bringing me meals when pink eye prevents kate from going to daycare and i don't get to sleep.

and for bringing me treats and sweet notes so i can survive these last days of pregnancy.

and for putting up with my constant exhaustion.

you're the best!

***

prego update: induction is scheduled for tuesday nite!!!

HALLELUJAH

[now i just have to somehow survive these last 3 shifts. heaven help me, i'm tired.]

/

February!!!

A dang near perfect month to have a baby n'est pas? [did my high school French just flair up?? Pregnancy makes me all kinds of kooky]

So let's do this baby E!
You've officially been evicted.
I'm beyond anxious to meet you.

everyone good with weekly updates, cuz that's all i have energy for right now.

soon, soon, soon.

but when???

i had some testing done last thursday to ensure that this little squirt is doing ok despite not growing very big.
happy to report that all is well.
baby passed her NST within the first 5 minutes and my amniotic levels came back within the normal range [albeit on the low end, but that was expected].
i'll have these tests done weekly until i deliver.



nana's came to town last week and it's been wonderful.
she's cleaned my house, weeded my yard, done the grocery shopping, made meals, done the dishes [daily] and chauffeured kate to and from school so i could get some extra sleep.
oh and let's not forget that she and jank potty-trained kate in one day.
no biggie.
[although we're still working on staying dry through the night]
it's so nice to have my mom around.
thanks mom for not judging me for how much i sleep or for how often we have dominos for dinner! [their cheese-bread is my weakness]

and now some pics i've been hoarding in my phone:

this girl can never have enough books.

just one of many meals i haven't made.

it's so nice to wake up to this....

what will i do when nana leaves??

and this happened one day during nap-time.

i've only had 2 pedicures in my life and i have to wonder why don't i get one monthly?

kate waiting patiently in the 'opital' for my testing.

she's learning how to swaddle.

post night shift.

these 3-in-a-rows are getting quite tiring.

thank heavens for great coworkers who baby me and give me the 'princess' assignments.

[one night my job was to answer the ambulance phone. it was reeeeeaaaallly difficult]

ps. my favorite thing ever is listening to kate talk about this baby...

'come out baby!'

'mommie go to opital and push, push, push- grrrrrrrr'

'dockers [doctors] help mommie and baby'

'i go to sea world when baby comes and see dolphins'

and the best is when she hugs my belly and gives the baby a kiss.

she really couldn't be any sweeter.

.

no baby yet.

tyrel-

thanks for the minnie mouse dress [and the cinderella dress].

it makes kate's day when she wears them.

jank-

thanks for our friday lunch dates [even if it is just BK while we sit in my car].

it's so nice to have these moments with you...

before our world gets rocked with a newborn.

love you more than ever.

katers-

you've definitely been testing your boundaries as of late.

but at least you always return to being my sweet kate.

i pray you never lose your sweetness...

or your beautifully semi-chunky cheeks that we all love to smooch.

yuma library-

thanks for having a tank full of fish that look like all the characters in the movie nemo-

it sure keeps my daughter entertained.

sorry kate likes to [repeatedly] yell out all of their names.

we're still working on what a 'library voice' is.

our beautiful white crib-

why did we think painting you white would be a quick project??

so glad the effort was worth it and that you turned out awesome.

now how should we go about teaching kate not to climb into you?

maybe laughing and taking pictures of such behaviors sends the wrong message...

duly noted.

baby E- [38 weeks according to me. 36.4 weeks according to the OB]

so excited to see you [via ultrasound] on thursday.

we need to have some testing done to make sure you're doing ok since you didn't appear to grow these last 2 weeks.

hopefully i'm to blame and not you.

hopefully it's just genetics and i'm simply incapable of growing chunky babies.

hopefully you're healthy and perfect and all's well.

we're all growing very impatient to meet you.

and hopefully you come out soon because i'm getting quite sick of the constant heartburn.

[i know that's selfish of me, but it's the truth]

36 weeks. NOT 34.5 weeks. because i said so.

baby girl-

36 weeks tomorrow!
[and yes, i am stubbornly ignoring my 'due date range' and sticking with my original due date of feb 8th]

we're all getting pretty excited to meet you.
[especially kate- but that's probably because we told her she gets to go to sea world when you come. i am so not above bribery. 'i get to see dolphins when baby comes' is heard at least 3 times a day. even her teachers at school know all about it]

but give me at least 2 more weeks to fully get ready.
your nursery is a disaster right now and i haven't washed any of your clothes yet.
i worked all weekend and you really didn't let me sleep much-
thanks for the frequent trips to the bathroom, the swollen ankles and the contractions- so thoughtful of you.
the goal is to get your room whipped into shape by this weekend...
so hang in there little one and lay off the kicks to my right hip- it's getting a little tender!

love you more than seems possible,
mama

ps. this was my work outfit for all of 15 minutes... then one of my coworkers made fun of my belly button poking out and i wore my zippie the rest of the shift. [i'm a little sensitive right now. yeah for pregnancy hormones]


.

right this moment kate is [loudly] singing her abc's instead of napping

things that make me happy:

new chocolate-chocolate donettes. 

we've already eaten 3 bags this week.

probably shouldn't admit that.

lots of hot-air balloon sightings in yuma.

and never-ending blue skies.

yuma sunsets/sunrises are rumored to be some of the best.

wish pictures could capture the beauty b/c they really are amazing.

so many things to love:

1. my appetite for cheeseburgers is back.

2. we have an 'in n out' here.

3. we're eating outside!

4. jank's wearing an 'in n out' shirt while eating @ 'in n out'= awesomeness

this little girl makes me so very happy.

wish i could bottle her sweetness and share with everyone.

plus, her hair is all sorts of out of control lately and i've given up.

the mullet wins this round.

the dollar isle @ the bullseye.

animals that make noises...

a galvanized bucket for diapers...

chip clips...

done and done.

painting the crib has allowed me time to sit and think.

it's been therapeutic for me and allowed me time to analyze my pregnancy anxiety attacks.

i've never really had anxiety attacks before but by-golly am i having them this month.

palpitations and racing thoughts don't make for a good time.

i've analyzed it down to a few issues--

1. our family is in a really good place right now and as wanted and loved as this new babe is, i just don't want to rock the boat.

2. labor. labor. labor. delivery. delivery. delivery. ugh! enough said.

finally[!] getting christmas decor put away.

kate had to hug and kiss and say goodbye to every single ornament.

kinda annoying, mostly awesome.

things that make me grumpy

being told by my OB that i no longer have a due date.

i now have a 'due range' spanning from feb 8 through feb 18.

baby girl is doing great-

she's just consistently measuring 1.5-2 weeks behind schedule and since i never had a period to calculate an exact due date from... i now have a 'due range'. bleh.

kinda shocked that i didn't cry at all yesterday after being dealt that blow.

although i did say the f-word and threw the fly-swatter at the dryer.

jank got after me for that one-

but aren't i a teensy bit justified??

10 days were just added to this waiting game.

i like black and white. and timelines. and countdowns. and finality.

so now what do i do?

i'm totally making a yellow cake with chocolate frosting.

.

hey there torpedo! and other such compliments

hi baby girl,

32 weeks.
just a few more to go.
you think we could make a deal and you come no later than 39 weeks?
i'm dying to see you...
but not so excited about the labor/delivery part so maybe we'll hold off until 50 weeks?
yeah, that sounds good.

also we think we have your first name picked out but we are stumped as ever on your middle name.
a little inspiration would be appreciated.

i'm working on your nursery,
and by 'working' i mean i'm staring at images online and hoping they miraculously come to be in this here yuma house.
maybe after the holiday craziness i'll get serious about decorating.

you made me crave OJ the other day- so weird.
i usually HATE orange juice.
but it was delicious [from macdo's no less] and i just went with it because what else am i to do these days?

your big sis has started to warm up to the idea of a baby invading her space.
she calls you by name and gives kisses when she's not busy kicking you.
[sorry about the abuse, she's still learning that mama can't wrestle like dad]

you have a new cousin.
his name is steele.
i'm gigantically jealous that brother brandon and kiki get to hold and snuggle him.
he gave his mom a quick labor, how about you do the same?

ok, little one.
keep up the good work-
pack on those ounces and we'll see you soon.

love,
your mama



ps. in related news these are things that have been said to me in the last week:

::hey mama! [pretty much how anyone who doesn't know my name greets me at work- including but not limited to doc's, housekeepers, transporters, radiology techs and a few ER techs who do know my name but decide to call me mama instead.]

::you're getting fat.

::your stomach looks much bigger than last night, maybe you're bloated??


sure makes a lady feel sexy!!


.

another overload of pics

and now a series of mini-letters:

dear pregnant body of mine:
we're almost there.
only 8 weeks to go.
we're doing well; gaining some weight and growing a healthy little girl.
she's measuring 2 weeks behind schedule but that's not surprising.
[i just don't think this body is engineered to make big babies]
i'll just have to keep eating cookie dough every night and drinking hot cocoa every morning while peanut watches monsters inc.

dear yuma weather:
i think i love you [now that it's not 115 degrees]
we decked the halls this past week and didn't once have to worry about mittens or boots.
our christmas tree is up and sparkly.
the palm trees outside are full of white twinkle lights.
it was wonderful to decorate outside without freezing our hands.

dear christmastime:
thanks for bringing me one of my favorite things- twinkly trees.
and for kate's favorite book right now- the night before christmas.
oh how i love snuggling her tight and reading books with her by the light of her little christmas tree.

our elf on the shelf finally came and has been named 'elfie'.
[that's what you get when you let a 2 yr old name the keepsake]
kate talks to elfie all day, every day and tells him if she's been naughty or nice-
it's hilarious to watch [i'll have to video it]
our advent calendar is finally done-
kate unwraps a christmas book each night which we read all snuggled in on her huge bed.
smelling kate's freshly washed hair and rubbing her back and face while jank reads to us is my idea of heaven.

dear kate:
i'm so glad i get to teach you important things like how to dip your french fries in your ice cream.
our lunch dates make me smile.
on the flip side, your ability to cause chaos makes me insaaaaane.
you were so proud of this mess and got mad at me when i cleaned it up.
but it did give me the opportunity to weed out some of your toys-
how did you get so many??

regardless of your actions, i love you completely.
you make me smile everyday and that is enough.

dear jank:
thanks for all you do [laundry, dishes, diapers....]
thanks for all the foot massages.
thanks for not playing racquetball tonight so we could spend time together before i have to work 4 in a row.
and thanks for taking kate on night-time scooter rides to see the christmas lights-
you are her absolute favorite person and mine too.
i love you.
thanks for loving me.

.

a long day. thank heavens it's almost over.

kate-

i don't know what they've been feeding you at school these last few days but i'm fairly certain it's been laced with speed.
your energy level is off the charts.
i'm not quite sure what to do with you or how to contain you.
all i know is that this week i am more tired than usual and every nite i just want to go to bed at 8.

today you were forced to miss your nap-
we were stuck at the car repair shop getting a oil leak fixed.
so when 5 pm [finally] rolled around, this is how i found you:

you were exhausted and content to just snooze on the couch under a pile of fluffy blankets.
and there you stayed for 90 minutes.
i should've joined you.
it sure looked lovely.


so the way i see it, we have 2 options-
1. give me some of your energy
2. get rid of speed-kate so i can rest a bit cuz this 30 weeks pregnant mama is tiiiiiiired.

let me know what you choose.
love you.


.

another awkward pregnancy post.

26 weeks and posting these pictures is embarrassing.

baby girl-

you're quite the mover and shaker lately.

especially in the evenings- 

it's quite entertaining to sit and watch my abdomen change shapes.

[and only a little weird. cuz let's be honest, pregnancy is a little weird isn't it?]

on monday you got me in trouble with the OB-

the last 5 weeks i didn't gain any weight despite eating like a teenager.

we have strict orders to pork up.

[should be easy with all the halloween candy and birthday cake in the kitchen]

at least you're growing even if i'm not- at least i think you are.

my scrubs are constantly falling down at work so i know my belly is getting bigger.

[drawstring pants+pregnancy= no bueno]

the OB wants to do another ultrasound in a few weeks to check on you.

i'm game with that plan- i love seeing you.

we're still struggling with the name issue.

the other day i asked kate what your name should be.

she paused for a moment and then said with conviction-

'Jesus Christ!'

ummmmm, i think not. but it was a good suggestion wasn't it?

oh man little one, i cannot wait to have you in my arms.

i want to smush my face into yours and breathe in your baby smell.

i just want to watch your daddy rock you and whisper words of love to you.

and i can't wait to see how kate responds to your presence.

love, 

your tired but happy mama.

.

flying home

oh time, why do you move so fast?

we got home to yuma [and it really does feel like home] last thursday mid-day and then i worked three nights in a row [starting thursday night. not a smart idea], had two days off and i'm back for three more shifts tonight.

i am thoroughly exhausted. 

time is slipping through my fingers and it's making me incredibly sad.

[or maybe that's just my completely out of control pregnancy hormones]

i feel like life is rushing past and i have no control to slow it or stop it.

ugh. i hate not being in control.

i have so many thoughts and pictures and stories to share but not enough time to do them justice.

plus, i really should be napping right now since i work tonight.

i'm hoping my brain quiets down enough so i can sleep.

and time, please just pause for a moment.

i need to breathe.

.

who guessed it was a boy?

you would be wrong. it's a little girl in there.

21 weeks and still craving mashed potatoes

baby jancer-

hey there little girl.
hope you're doing well.
according to your ultrasound you're doing great and growing big and strong.

thanks for being so cooperative on monday-
although we should probably discuss how to sit like a lady at some point.
that was quite a show you gave us.

your dad and i weren't surprised when the doctor confirmed your gender.
somehow we just knew you would be a little girl.
and we couldn't be happier with the news.

you are so much squirmier than your big sis.
two nights ago i couldn't sleep so i got out the laptop and laid in bed watching my shows on hulu while i felt you kick and dance inside me.
it was pretty dang awesome.

your dad and i keep wondering if your squirminess is indicative of your energy level?
will you be our wild child?
will you be the one that requires us to lock all the cupboards and secure the tv?
[like we should've already done but didn't really need to so we didn't]

i keep checking my temperature at work because i'm convinced i'm running a fever all the time.
you've got me cooking little one.
pregnancy combined with yuma's heat has me wishing for snow.
maybe we could dial back the internal furnace sometime soon?

lastly, could you give us some hints on what to name you?
we are clueless.
your dad suggested agnes the other night. or was it alma?
i can't remember [you've stripped me of brain cells rather quickly]
i punched him and requested he not present any names to me unless he is quite serious about them.


loving you more each day baby girl.

love,
your mama


ps. who has a girl name they want to share with me so i can steal it???

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growing a baby requires lots of pink lemonade and potatoes.

dear baby jancer-

today we're 16.2 weeks.

we had a doctor's appt and all went well.

we got to see you kicking and squirming all over the ultrasound screen.

your heartbeat is strong and you are 1000 times more active than your big sis.

wonder when i'm going to start feeling all those kicks and squirms?

i hope it's soon.

because that was my favorite part of kate's pregnancy-

laying in bed and feeling her squirming and reassuring me that all's well. 

[not that she did that much, she was practically comatose the whole 9 months. lazy stinker]

the mystery remains if you're a girl or boy.

we tried desperately to see but you were moving too much and it's a little too soon to tell.

i think you're a girl.

your dad's going with boy.

we'll see who's right.

kate changes her mind every other day on whether she'll get a 'bruder or sisser'

my belly size changes constantly.
yesterday i barely looked pregnant.
today i look 26 weeks.
hope i look not so pregnant on monday when i start my new job-
i still haven't dropped the 'i'm pregnant, aren't ya glad you hired me???' bomb on them yet.
that's going to be fun.

keep growing strong and healthy little love.
see you in 4 weeks.

love,
mama



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doing much better. cakebites fix everything

tuesday nite i felt a part of me return to normal.
i think the first trimester brain-freeze is slowly slipping away.
i'm still irritable and easily overwhelmed, but it's getting better.
hallelujah.

today peanut and i went to the pool.
that little girl still cracks me up daily.
she won't let me take her sandals off [and i don't really care to] so she swims with her shoes on.
she doesn't use her arms, only kicks her tiny legs furiously to get where she wants to go.

after exhausting herself thoroughly at the pool,
she feel asleep laying by her bedroom door snuggling her stuffed wolf.
i just barely picked her up [after an hour of sleeping] and moved her to her bed.
she's still sleeping [it's 1730]
jank's going to have a late night with her since it's my last nite of work.
but let's not talk about that, the tears will start a-flowing.

i treated us to a dozen cakebites from sweet tooth fairy tuesday nite.
survey says: cocount and chocolate mint are the favorites.
wonder if yuma has a sweet tooth fairy?
let's hope.

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blogs will be short/uninteresting until my creativity/energy returns. my apologies until then.

katers:

just wanted to say thank you for the hour long snuggle this morning.
and for asking me to stay with you and hold your hand for a minute after we tucked you in tonight.
you have no idea how much your sweetness soothes my troubles.
thanks for being you and for putting up with me.
[i know i'm not easy to live with right now. give me a few weeks and i'll be better. promise]

love you more than chocolate cake.


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announcing...

dear baby jancer,

you and i are officially 12 weeks into this pregnancy.
your dad and i are counting the days until we get to meet you.
we're so excited to have another little one, even if the timing of your pregnancy is a little complicated.
[i'll be barely six months into a new job when you come. ugh, i hate being the new kid at work and adding a pregnant belly and a maternity leave isn't going to help matters]
regardless, we love you and cannot wait until february.

a few things:

1. do you see this mashed potato craving ending anytime soon? boiling potatoes in 100 degree heat is getting old especially since i seem completely intolerant to heat of any kind right now. and fake potatoes don't cut it- they have to be baby red mashed with loads and loads of butter.
2. thanks so much for not making the first trimester exhaustion as bad as it was with kate - i find that as long as i nap when kate naps i can function pretty well.
3. when do you foresee the oversensitive sense of smell going back to normal? the drunks and homeless patients have always smelled foul but this pregnancy is taking their malodorous bodies to a whole new level. not so much fun. just saying.
4. please grow strong and healthy. that's all we ask. we honestly don't care if you're a boy or girl [seriously, it doesn't matter one bit to us] we just want you to be healthy.
5. thanks for cooperating the other day so that i could hear your heartbeat. a magical moment for me- i was holding your big sister's hand at the time and it all seemed too good to be true.


i know it seems silly to say but, we really do love you already.
i think it's because we already have kate and we know how amazingly awesome it is to be parents.
we can't wait to see how you fit into this family of ours.
grow strong little one.

love mama.

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blah, blah, blah

MIDMORNING MUSINGS:

a lack of a quality camera has left me bumming. i hate posting without a picture so i generally don't. there have been few quality pictures taken lately hence my overall disinterest in blogging. sad, i know. there are still so many stories to tell. stories that i will forget and wish i had written. curse my bad memory.

this morning, after miss kate had grabbed every elmo dvd case we own and hauled them into her crib so she could nap with "mo", i sat down at the computer and scrolled through old photos. i found myself looking at pics of my pregnancy days and i came across photos documenting my pregnancy rash. ugh, the horror. horror i will spare all of you because no one really wants to see my swollen belly covered in an unsightly rash. that cursed rash caused me to itch like a dog with fleas. jank used to laugh every night because i shook the bed with my itching. thank goodness for ASB who prescribed a steroid cream and ambien. (i think every pregnant person should have ambien on hand).

 people say you will forget the woes of pregnancy and labor once the baby is born. and you do... at least some of it. but then you see a picture of your pregnant self and it all comes rushing back:

liz telling katers she is lonely in the big, cold world and needs her cousin

you remember how your baby didn't ever really move except an occasional hiccup and how you used to constantly ultrasound yourself  at work just to calm the anxiety. you remember how random people would come up and rub your belly and you always wanted to punch them in the nose. you remember what it felt like to have a baby lodged under your ribs and how you had to constantly apply downward pressure to be able to breathe. 

but then you remember how it felt to be growing a life inside of you. you remember how some days you felt like the most important person in the world. you remember how you were given the green light to eat gallons of coldstone (yellow cake mix ice cream with brownies and cookie dough= heavenly!) you remember feeling magical. and you remember what it was like to have big boobs.

this post is by no means a hint that i am pregnant. i can hear both grandmas sigh in disappointment. sorry ladies! i am going to leave the baby-growing in bb's capable hands right now (hi little niece/nephew! see you in march!) i am too busy applying for government assistance, searching for a cheaper apartment, enjoying kate's growing vocabulary and most importantly, i am still healing emotionally from the hormonal tailspin that becoming a mommie brought.

i am healing though and that's the important part. i have learned that this tailspin is no one's fault: not mine, not katers' and not jank's. it was a combination of predisposition to emotional instability (flashback to freshman year- augh), moving 2 days after kate was born to a whole new city where i only knew one person, having jank start the PA program 1 week after kate's birth, and my unreal expectations of what motherhood would be. geez, even typing that sentence makes me emotional.




i don't have much more to say today but i'm hesitating to push the 'publish' button. i have a nagging sense i'm not done yet.... maybe it's because i owe a big thank you to all my family and friends and coworkers who have been there for me (even when no one knew how much i was struggling because i was too proud to admit it) i am truly blessed to have people who care about me and are willing to listen to me blah, blah, blah.

THANKS EVERYONE

it feels finished now.


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